Saturday, August 1, 2009

Fighting Temptation

As I'm sitting here typing I am fighting the temptation of raiding our refrigerator for something to eat. I'm not ever really hungry, but that's been going on allot lately. I must say, I've never had a perfect body and I've had problems with food in the past where I would seriously restrict my eating to a bare minimum. Bad food habits accompanied by a low self esteem and other issues in teenage years are no good. So now, instead of restricting myself, since I did that for far too long and it made me sick, I find that I over eat. I suppose it's my way of not letting my obsession for a skinny body to take over. But I do look in the mirror and hate my body. I understand that pregnancy changes your body but I seriously look like the Pillsbury dough boy. I embraced my growing belly when I was pregnant, I loved all the new curves I was getting and thought that my body looked great. I ate healthy, tons of veggies and fruits and things that actually had great nutritional value. Before I got pregnant I was weighing in at around 127 lbs, my belly was my problem area, and I really had no waist line. I was horrible at exercising but all in all, I suppose I was happy. I looked really great in high waisted skirts and could still wear bikinis so I really should not have been complaining. In my last week of being pregnant I tipped the scale at over 185lbs! I never want to weigh that much in my life! 
Of course, I'm happy that I have a healthy and beautiful boy to show for the belly and I didn't expect to loose the weight so quickly and for my body to go back to normal but never did I imagine this! I don't even weight that much, but my body is completely out of whack. I weighed myself the other day and I am only three pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight but I don't look it and it makes me sad. I hate going shopping and trying on clothes because nothing looks right. And even if it does, I don't feel comfortable.
So why haven't I gotten off my butt and started toning? Why have I been paying 40 dollars a month for a gym membership that I haven't used in almost two years? In retrospect, I realize that is well over 800 dollars that I could have saved. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day I get up and go for a run, start a workout routine or at least start eating healthier. But I'm too darn lazy. I want to look good again, and better yet, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to do it for myself. True, I want my husband to look at me and actually like my body again, he doesn't say he doesn't like him but then again he's much smarter than to say it out loud and cause an emotional meltdown. He does tell me to go for a run because he knows how much I hate my body. Ideally, I would love to look great in a nice pair of jeans or a great skirt, I want to have the confidence to someday wear a bikini, although the stretch marks will probably stop that ambition, but I just want to love my body again. 
I need to stop using the "I'm to tired, I'm up too early, on my feet for eight hours a day, I come home and want to nap and I have to take care of the baby" excuse. I  mean, I sit in front of the darn computer, I should be able to run the the high school and do a few laps on the track, or at least pop in a 30 minute work out dvd while Gabriel naps. And I most definitely need to stop the bad eating habits of eating crap, lately french fries, chocolate, bread, when I'm bored. 
So, instead of raiding the fridge tonight, I have come to the realization that it's time for a change. Great, I'm so looking forward to working out...

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