It's starting to hit me...

In exactly three weeks from today my baby boy turns one. Oh how time has flied. Last year around this time I was waddling around with a big beach ball of a belly wanting him to be born already. How I miss those days...

And he's such a big boy now. I find myself looking at him and thinking about how much better my life is now that he is in it. I am so blessed to have him as my son, I cant imagine a better baby than him.  When I look at him and realize how fast this time has passed I start thinking about how fast this year went I realize how soon he's going to be growing into a school-aged kid, a teenager, a grown man. It makes me so sad. I think back to my mom and my husband's mom and think that they must have felt the same prior to mine and the husband's first birthday and what they must be feeling now to see their grandson about to turn one. Im sure that one day I will be doing just that, thinking back to the days when Gabriel was a baby right before my own grandson's first birthday.

Im rambling and probably not making any sense but I guess what I've been thinking about is the fact that time happens. It doesn't stay still and you can't control it, you can't stop it so you have to live in the moment and be thankful for what you have. It's not that I dont live by that motto anyway, but now that I have Gabriel I don't worry about the little thing as much as I used to. So in these last three weeks of him being a baby I'm going to savor every moment, kiss him as much as I can, hug him very tight, snap as many pictures as I can, because before I know it, he'll hit the big 1!

I don't get it...

I don't get how some people can be so darn rude and ungrateful. Seriously, grow the fuck up. Pardon my french, but it's true. 

It got me thinking...

Today I was on my beloved WTE wandering along on the Green Parenting board where I am mainly a lurk on the cloth diapering part of the forum. I came across a topic that was about how discouraged this August 09 Mommy was on her home boards with all the women that had been so pro breastfeeding throughout the pregnancy and now don't breastfeed at all because  "they don't produce enough milk" or "it's a drag to arrange your whole schedule to nursing" or "formula is just easier to deal with" or  "it hurt too much". This mom was saying how she didn't understand how these women were saying such thing especially after expressing such strong desire to nurse their kids. Well, the whole discussion got started and each mom started stating her personal opinion and experience. While I don't have the same problem on my home board (I love my September 2008 moms!) I did start thinking about the moms I do know in real life, by this I mean Moms outside of internet world, and my own personal experience. 

No one said it would be easy, in fact most people didn't understand why I would want to breastfeed. My own mom said that I would probably chicken out, cry because it would hurt or get grossed out by leaky boobs and such. I remember being a little kid and playing dolls and I would "breastfeed" the dolls. I never saw it as something weird and even at my short age I would see a woman breastfeeding in public and not feel awkward or feel a need to stare. I remember going to my WIC appointment and when the lady asked me if I was planning to breastfeed how happy she was. She said that most young moms get creeped out by it and flat out say that they won't be breastfeeding. She encouraged me to do it and gave me a ton of books and pamphlets on the benefits of breastfeeding and breastfeeding 101. I felt so proud and I hadn't even had my baby yet!

Throughout my pregnancy I would worry about not being able to breastfeed but I promised myself that I would try my best to do so but I also was of the mentality, "if it doesn't work out it's ok, at least I gave it a shot". I went out and bought a manual pump, I didn't think it was reasonable to spend $300+ on a good quality pump when I didn't even know if it was going to work out. I also bought a ton of bottles since I thought that I would need them regardless of me breastfeeding or not. 

I never took a breastfeeding class, watched breastfeeding videos or read a breastfeeding book. I didn't look up the benifits of breastfeeding on my own. My knowledge on breastfeeding was limited to the information provided by the section of breastfeeding in What to Expect When You're Expecting or any reading material provided to me by the WIC office or the Hospital. Yet, with the little knowledge I had I understood that breastmilk is best; higher IQ, higher self esteem, faster weight loss for me (yeah, right), etc.

The day that Gabriel was born we were not able to breastfeed right away. He had to be whisked away to the special care nursery right away so he was literally born, I held him , kissed him and he was taken from us. He couldn't leave so I couldn't hold him until I could walk again and the epidural wore off. I was scared to have missed the first bonding experience. But upon my arrival into my recovery room the nurse showed me how to assemble my pump kit for the Medela Symphony they had in the room and told me to pump right away so Gabriel could drink the colostrum.  Ah, colostrum, I knew that was crucial to the baby, so a-pumping I went. I admit, it was quite odd. I felt like a cow...and the pump looked like a torture device. Nearly 2 ounces and 20 minutes later, the nurse came back in and was shocked to see how much was in the bottle. I felt so proud handing her my little bottle filled with yellowish orange liquid and knowing that we were off to a good start despite the situation. So, until I was able to nurse him, I would pump every two hours for twenty minutes and hand my liquid gold off to the nurse.

When I was able to first nurse him I felt so lost! The nursing pillow felt weird, he felt so small, my boobs felt huge and I thought I was going to smother him with them. Latching was a task but my mom was there to help and so was the nurse. It did hurt but I immediately fell in love with breastfeeding. I felt so close to him and I loved how he looked there with milk dribbling down his cheek and gulping away, I loved his little sigh when he was done. It felt right, there is just no other word to describe it. So I made a commitment, then and there, that I would for sure breastfeed up to his first birthday no matter what. And I have been doing just that.

It hasn't always been easy, around 9 weeks postpartum or so my supply started getting really low. I would pump every two hours (on the dot!) and he nursed every two hours  but instead of pumping my usual 3-4 oz (sometimes even more!) I started getting 1 oz at the most. I started giving him a bottle so I could see if maybe he was just eating more but it was still the same. I would still pump every two hours while someone gave him the bottle and still no change. I cried. I was so upset in thinking that it could be coming to an end. I went online and started my research on what could be causing this and what could help. I tried everything, uping my water intake, fenugreek, mothers milk tea, relaxing, pumping after each feed, extended night feedings, massaging...Turns out Aunt Flo was around the corner and Gabriel was hitting a growth spurt and that my problem was actually quite common. Within a few days everything was back to normal.

 Then, around 3 months, I got the flu and Gabriel got a milder version of my flu. I couldn't get out of bed, I was weak and my supply dropped again and he just wasn't interested in eating for a day or two. Regardless I'd offer the boob and still pump every 2 hours regardless of him eating. I drank so much fluids and still drank my good 'ol mother's milk tea and fenugreek. I knew that when you are nursing not every medicine is compatible with breastfeeding but I saw that and cold medicine actually reduces your supply or can dry you up completely and that it should only be used if absolutely necessary. Although I felt like I was dying, ok maybe not dying but I tend to be dramatic at times, I refused any medicine that could end up in me having to supplement with formula. About a week later, I was better and he was too and I worked harder than ever to get my supply up. 

By this point, I had already stashed up over a hundred ounces of frozen breastmilk, I didn't want to take any chances.

Sadly, In December I went back to work. I work at Starbucks, my oh-so-glam job and I knew I would have to pump every chance I got to keep my supply up. So at every break (my ten minute break and lunch breaks) I would head to the bathroom with my dinky little manual pump and pump away. I would not be able to eat because my hands were occupied and by the time I was done, I had a 4 oz bottle full of milk (by full I do indeed mean full). I hate pumping at work. As I stated before, I pump in the bathroom where people pound on the door every 2 seconds because they have to go and I've been in there for "a long time". I cannot tell you how many arguments I've had with customers. They tell me that since they are customers they have more right to you use it...I just go off on them Bitch Please! More right? My ass you have more right. It use to make me uncomfortable but I'm so used to it by now. And around his fourth month I upgraded my Avent Isis Manual pump (I was seriously getting carpal tunnel from pumping so darn much!) to a Medela Freestyle= best choice ever! It was pricey but so worth it! I don't regret dropping almost four hundred big buckaroos on it since I use it so much and plan on using it with the next kids. So now instead of having to do 15-20 minute sessions on each boob manually, I just clip and pump it up and have my hands free to eat, text or whatever else I have to do. 

I digress. Point is, it hasn't been easy. I've been through so much with breastfeeding: nursing strikes, teething (one word: OUCH!), overactive let down (causing the kid to spit up too much and get colicky). He still nurses at least 4 times a day, sometimes snacks in bettween feeds. He hates milk in his bottle and flat out refuses it in a cup, he just wants the girls! When I'm at work we're lucky if he takes 1 maybe 2 bottles. I still get up early (I start at 4:45 am) to pump just mainly to keep my supply up since he lacks so much interest in bottles. I still pump at work and get the annoying people pounding on the door, the confused look on some of my young and naive teenage coworkers who think I must have digestive issues since I'm in there for so long, and the weary look from customers who have been waiting outside of the bathroom door imagining why on earth I was in there for so long. I hate pumping. I love breastfeeding but hate, despise, loathe having two tubes stuck on my boob making a mooing noise and extracting milk from my udders. It's something so mechanical, nothing compared to breastfeeding. I compare breastfeeding vs pumping to making love vs using a sex toy-it's not the real deal but it gets the job done. 

I'm proud of myself for getting this far and making such a commitment to the well being of my child. I dont want to stop breastfeeding any time soon. I feel that sometimes it would be nice to ditch the nursing bras for some pretty Victoria's Secret bras, throwing the nursing pads that I have been wearing for over a year and a half  out the window and having my boobs back to myself. But, everytime Gabriel nurses I am reminded that I'm not just doing it because it's good for him or because he loves to nurse, it's also because I love the closeness and the bond we have. I love his chubby hand stroking my boob and how he curls his legs around me when he nurses. I love that while he's eating he gazes in my eyes and suddenly smiles with milk trickling down his chin then goes back to buisness. I love knowing that I have something that he wants that no one else can provide. 

The journey hasn't always been easy but it has been awesome. So to those that say "I couldn't breastfeed", "It hurts", "I don't think it's worth it"...Pooey on you! You don't know what you're missing out on. I understand it's a personal decision and in no way am I saying you're taking the easy way out by formula feeding (yes, you wash bottles, warm them up, have to spend money on formula, have to get up at three in the morning to make a bottle) it all is easier to just breastfeed, even though at times it doesn't seem that way. 

Boobies Rock!

Night Night, Sleep Tight!

Today Gabriel did not fuss  much when I put him down to sleep. He looked so sweet sleeping in his crib! 

On another note, today is my dear husbands birthday. Happy Birthday Babe! We'll celebrate when you get back!

Day 3 of CIO

So tonight was our third night of CIO and it was not better than yesterday. He cried for about fourty five minutes and then he stopped but was still standing and not moving. Turns out he fell asleep standing up! I wish I had gotten a picture of it but he woke up when I left the room to go get it I suppose because when I snapped the picture his eyes opened.He is such a silly kid. Ten minutes or so more of crying, and I went over to pat his back and he fell asleep with like the sixth pat. I hope it starts getting easier. Whenever he sees that I am carrying him towards the crib he cries and I feel so bad for making him hate the crib and making it seem like a "bad" place. I know it's for his own good, I honestly don't mind him sleeping with me but I don't want to have a four year old sleeping in my bed. 

Sweet bliss....

So last night was complete and utter hell. Crying it out sucks. It's heart breaking for me to hear him cry for three hours straight and to make matters worse, it didn't end the way I wanted it to. No, I didn't take him out but I don't want to go into details since that just makes me angry.

Today, however, was another story. He did wonderful. He nursed and then I put him in the crib (AWAKE!) and although he cried, it was nothing compared to last night. He cried for ten minutes and then threw his paci but he grabbed another one, sat down and read a book, and before I knew it, he was snoring! I was so happy although I know he could do bad tomorrow, which I'm hoping won't be the case, I was elated. 

Hopefully this will all pay off in the end!

I'm so tired...

I'm tired of my living situation. I love my Mom to death but honestly I can't wait to move out of here. I can't wait for my husband to come home so I can have my own place. I'm tired of getting crap because my room isn't clean. Hello? It is my room. And Gabriel is my son and I know when to give my son a bath, I know when to do his laundry, and feed him dinner. I know what I want to do with him and if I don't ask for help it's because I don't need it. I'm tired of her constant mood swings that are driving me insane. Instead of her supporting me emotionally she whines and complains about everything. If I could, I would move out now. If I could I wouldn't count on her to watch Gabriel every day. But that's just not possible right now. If it were I wouldn't be here venting away...

I have created a monster...

Don't get me wrong, I love my son and I have enjoyed every second of him since his birth. I never cared about being sleep deprived and him not sleeping through the night because he wanted to nurse every 2 or 3 hours. He sleeps longer stretches now, goes down to bed usually around 8:30 and is asleep by 9 and wont wake up until 4ish to nurse and then clonks out until 7 or 7:30. So his sleep schedule isn't horrible, per say, just not awesome. 

Now, we had always nursed to sleep and little by little it's getting better because he will eat until he's full and then puts the paci in his mouth and rolls around the bed until he falls asleep. After he's asleep, I put him in his crib and he usually stays asleep. 

While I do love the bonding that co-sleeping creates I kind of wish that he would just sleep on his own! He wont put himself to sleep and he's almost a year old. I don't want to be ungrateful but I just want to be able to put him to bed and have him fall asleep in his own crib. I'm not asking for him to sleep through the night, at least not yet, but I really want him to sleep on his own!

This past two weeks or so it's taking me about an hour to an hour and a half to put him to sleep. He will nurse and then rolls around the bed for about 30 minutes. Sometimes he decides to sit up and play, other times it seems he's asleep but as soon as I put him in his crib he wakes up and starts crying. I will take him out and then he's fine, falls asleep again. I wouldnt mind sharing the bed with him, as I said, I like the bonding, but he's such a crazy sleeper! He kicks me in the nose and takes up the whole bed! If I put him back in the crib he cries. I let him cry but it just breaks my heart and eventually I cave because he cries so hard that it seems he's going to throw up. I know that if I say I'm going to let him cry it out I should just commit to it. But I can't! I can't have him screaming his brains out when I have to wake up at three thirty  to go to work. I need my sleep too and I don't have the luxury of him sleeping in a separate room.

So right now I'm hearing him cry and I'm not able to handle it...I have created a monster.

Home, Sweet Home.

I was bored and decided to browse apartments and houses on Craigslist and fell in love with a bunch of them! I wish we could move now, I wish Gabriel could have his own room and that I could go home shopping...buying couches and decorations. Darn deployment, I want it to be over so we can get our own place! 

11 months today!

My beautiful baby boy is eleven months old today. I cant believe that he is only a baby for one more month and then we venture off into the days off toddlerhood. It all has been passing too soon. Time really has been flying on by and it sucks. I miss those newborn days, I miss him feeding every two hours and I miss his baby cry and toothless smile. Don't get me wrong, I love this age because he's so silly and adorable  but I just feel that he is growing up too quick and that before I know it he will be going off to kindergarden or graduating high school. 

What is Gabriel doing at 11 months?

Gabriel still doesn't walk but he does cruise and he did take a few steps the other day but I don't think he is interested in walking since he gets around alot faster by crawling.

He loves to play catch with his base ball and will say "ball" when he wants to play

Gabriel blows kisses now! It's so adorable! It's not your conventional kissy face though, he makes a silly kissy face but its a kissy face none the less.

Gabriel still is breastfeeding but he is doing it less and less now which makes me really sad.

He still doesn't sleep through the night, I am seriously feeling like I should just give up on that idea for now. Nor does he want to sleep in his crib much. The only time he does is when he falls asleep and I put him in his crib. Im thinking to start breaking the habit after his birthday even if it means sleepless nights for all of us.

Gabriel's latest thing is to scream at the top of his lungs...just for fun. He thinks its hilarious. Even if it's six in the morning and everyone is sleeping. 

He loves making you laugh so he does tons of silly stuff just to get a smile out of you. It's so hard to stay serious when does something bad and I'm scolding him or telling him no, then he makes a silly face or noise and I feel like I'm about to burst out laughing.

He loves Elmo, Mickey, & Baby Einstein. He can watch the same Baby Einstein video over and over and he wont get sick of it. He is Mickey crazy lately too and says "'key" when he sees his stuffed Mickey or Mickey Mouse on his PJ's.

He loves to tickle his TMX Elmo and thinks it's so funny how Elmo folds over in laughter. 

Gabriel is so ticklish! If you start singing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" he starts laughing because he knows he's in for a tickle-fest.

He really is trying to figure out how to get past the baby gates...It's so funny to see him so concentrated trying to figure it out.

Gabriel  just got another tooth yesterday, if he would let me count his teeth I would let you know how many he has but he seriously wont let me!

He's growing up too quick! It seems that he grows over night!

Stupid Photobucket....

I exceeded my bandwith on my photobucket account! I was so upset about it so I went with a pro account even though that means paying  24 dollars a month. I know I could have created a new email and a new photobucket account but I seriously have hundreds of pictures on that account! Oh well, what's done is done, and I wanted to keep my photos.

On another note, I finished Gabriel's centerpieces today and I absolutely LOVE how the end result turned out! I know I posted pictures the other day of what they would look like but this is the REAL end result. 

 

I feel High...

I think all  that stupid rubber cement and paint messed my brain up. I have a horrible headache. Plus it doesn't help that today was a stress filled day at work. And I think the chicken I had for dinner made me sick. Next time I need to use rubber cement or paint Im doing it outside... 

I see the light at the end of the tunnel...

Finally I'm almost done with the decorations, invitations, and all the party stuff! I'm so done with the painting and the gluing and all of that fun stuff! 

First, the centerpieces: a painted terracotta flower pot filled with tissue paper and a few lollipops, a small stuffed Mickey (or other clubhouse character) and a painted wooden picture frame with a small picture of Gabriel. I still haven't decided if I'm adding balloons or not. 

This is just what it's roughly going to look like since I wont arrange them all until we get closer to the day (we have about a month left)

Next picture is of the front and back of his invites. Simple and sweet, nothing to fancy like his the ones for his baptism.

I have a few other things I want to do but if I don't get to it it's no big deal, though I know I probably will do it even if it means being zombie mommy for the next couple of weeks!

              

Arts and Crafts day

So today was a day of painting, stamping, cutting, and writing. I finally got my butt back in line to party planning mode since I had been putting off a bunch of things. I went to home depot and bought some terracotta flower pots and painted them for his centerpieces. By the time I was done painting fourteen flowerpots, and playing with a cranky 10 month old simultaneously, I had paint on my hair, face, clothes and even toes. Gabriel even got some paint on him for some odd reason. I also bought some picture frames to paint but I those are harder to paint because they are so small and my brush is too big to do any detailing, so its back to the arts and crafts store tommorrow...yay.

I am half done with his invites but I ran out of rubber cement and honestly, at 11pm, I don't feel like going to the grocery store to pick some up. I'm exhausted! But so far I am happy with the results I am getting! I will post pictures tomorrow when the paint dries on the flower pots and on the picture frames. 

My mom and mother-in-law tell me that I am putting way too much effort into this party and while I know it's true, I actually like doing this. My only concern now is what I'm going to do next year!

It's official...

So the husband is officially gone. He left for Iraq this morning, although he will be making a bunch of pit stops in order to get there, he's officially "overseas". Honestly, it sucks and I've been in a horrible mood lately because of the fact that I know he's not in the states anymore and that this deployment has officially begun.

On another note, yesterday we went to get Gabriel's pictures taken for his invites and he was such a poop and wouldn't smile or cooperate but we did manage to get some good ones and it was hard to choose just one or two pictures but I think that's just because he's so darn cute! 

I just loved how they turned out! I cant wait to finish his invites so everyone can see them!

Oh, I almost forgot to mention that I created a separate blog basically written in Gabriel's perspective so my dear husband can see what the kiddo is up to day to day. I got the idea from Sarah whose hubby is also deployed and is doing the same with her son. I was working on the layout but didn't get much done other than the headline and a few other parts of the page. So far I love it though!

Just one of those days.....

Today was one of those days that just seemed so sad. I have been thinking back to last deployment and how much it truly sucked. Any little moment that I have thought about my husband I would find myself near tears. He is still in the US right now but I feel like I miss him so much, like he has been so far away and I haven't seen him in ages. Knowing that he wont be home until May just makes it worse because it seems so far away. Last time he missed small things like Valentines Day, my graduation but nothing really important. This time around he will be missing so much more; Gabriel's first steps, his first birthday, my 21st,  taking Gabriel trick-or-treating, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day...possibly our first wedding anniversary too.  The hard part about last time was that it was our first deployment and we didn't know what to expect from it. I recall sitting in my room listening to music that would remind me of him and crying while I was reading his letters or looking through pictures of us. I would check my email at least fifty times a day and the phone was pretty much surgically attached to me and I wouldn't mind a three a.m  phone call. It was tough, so now, I know it's only going to be wore. I hate thinking that I will be a lifeless mess because I know my son needs me and it's not fair for me to be moping around these next months. It's unfair to him and if I miss out on anything I will feel guilty about it later on. The point is, my life can't stop while he's gone but I do know I will have days like the one I had today and I hate that feeling. Stupid deployment...

They said it would get easier...

When I went back to work for the first time after having Gabriel I was a wreck. Calling every chance I got to see if he was doing ok, if he was eating, if he was napping. My mom watches him while I work so I know for a fact he's in good hands but I hate leaving him. I kept having people tell me that it would get easier and that it's healthy for me to be away from him for a few hours but honestly, it isn't easier and I still hate leaving him. After having a three day break from work, I did not want to go back today. I was tearing up as I was on the road to work, thinking how much I would rather stay home with him and play with him, and how I wish I hadn't spent so much money on my credit cards on dumb things because I would've been able to stay home or at least only work 20 hours at the most.  I hate having to work...Someday I will be able to stay home and spend time with my kids...I feel that I am missing out on precious moments with him. And I just felt like sulking today, hence the post.

Just keep swimming...or not.

Today my friend Adrienne brought her son Brandon over so he and Gabriel could have a play date. We had planned to put them in the baby pool since the weather was nice. Well, the water was cold so I had to put warm water in there. That was such a hassle! I felt like I kept putting water in but it wasnt filling! I eventually was able to get the water to a temperature I thought was good enough so we put the kiddos in and...they both BAWLED! It was so out of character for them. We didnt know if it was the water not being warm enough or if it was just because they wanted to nap and have lunch. So the whole filling up the pool was pointless since they were literally in the pool for five minutes. After drying the boys off and changing them, they drank their milk and Gabriel passed out for his nap (a nice, long two hour nap) and Adrienne went to pick up food and frozen yogurt for us to have lunch. 

Too bad the kids didn't want to swim, they looked so adorable in their swim trunks and we were really looking forward to getting some cute pictures of them splashing around. I'd say that we should try it again some time but I really do not want to fill up that darn pool with warm water again.

Time flies so fast...

I was the myspace queen, or so everyone called me. I would upload tons and tons of photos and even more so when Gabriel was born. I had a Facebook account but would never use it because I was oh-so-faithful to myspace. Well, when half of my friends ditched Myspace for facebook, I started using it just to keep in touch. Turns out, I am on FB more now so I figured I should move some of my pictures. Not only do I have to put the pictures on FB, but I have to move them from one computer to another  which is taking forever since my sister wont get off of the one I have all my pictures on. Ok, but that's not part of my story, I have a tendency to ramble off.

Today I was uploading my pregnancy pictures and I really relized that some of the pictures are from exactly a year ago or so. A year ago I was waddling around with my huge 'ol belly, unable to see my toes. It was still one of the happiest times in my life. Knowing that you are growing another human inside of you is amazing, every kick, hiccup or kung-fu jab to your bladder is so amazing. I honestly can't describe the joy I feel when I think back to those moments. I miss them so much. I feel like I enjoyed my pregnancy so much, even the painful times when he would dig his foot into my ribcage or when I would get horrible heartburn towards the end. I loves to just sit and admire my growing belly. I would walk, well, waddle, around showing off my belly like a huge trophy and enjoyed when people would compliment me. I can honestly say that I didn't mind being "fat" because I felt beautiful. Looking back, I realize that I felt very secure in myself during my pregnancy, something that I had never been before. 

I love looking back at those pictures and seeing how huge I was, how it looked like I had a huge beach ball under my shirt and how I loved the fabric of my shirts and dresses clinging to my body and showing off my curves. 

It is ridiculous to think that there are woman who feel ugly durring they're pregnancy, or who complain about being fat. True, there are some negatives to pregnancy, shaving your legs is impossible, let alone personal grooming, and your feet swell up, you get stretch marks and your body leaks fluids that you cant control but it's such a beautiful time that you should enjoy. I feel envious of pregnant women now and feel like punching those that bitch and moan about how big they are and cant wait to go back to their old body. Yeah, I don't like my body now, but I loved it back then. Im glad I actually listened to my cousin's advice when she told me to enjoy every minute of it. I do wish I had more pictures of me throughout my pregnancy, a week by week shot or even professional maternity shots but that only tells me that next time I am pregnant I will embrace it even more. 

Playing Catch-up

I hadn't posted in a few days but since my Husband was home for a few days I was trying to spend the most time with him and Gabriel as I could. 

Having my husband home, even for four days, was awesome. And I loved seeing how much Gabriel loved being around him despite the fact that he had not seen him for a few months. I hope that when he comes home for good he has the same reaction as he did this time around.

My mother in law had to get surgery on Tuesday so we've also been busy visiting her and making sure she's doing ok. Thankfully she is recovering just fine and was discharged from the hospital on Friday. 

It has been a crazy and hectic week, I'm hoping I can get back on track with this blog soon because I just hadn't had time to update and I really missed it! 

Tazmanian Devil

Gabriel has this thing where he always spins and spins in his exersaucer just to make us laugh. It's hilarious and the more we laugh, the more he does it. Today he just kept spinning so we had to take him out because we could tell he was getting dizzy. 

He loves to do silly things and make us laugh! Such an entertainer!

Fighting Temptation

As I'm sitting here typing I am fighting the temptation of raiding our refrigerator for something to eat. I'm not ever really hungry, but that's been going on allot lately. I must say, I've never had a perfect body and I've had problems with food in the past where I would seriously restrict my eating to a bare minimum. Bad food habits accompanied by a low self esteem and other issues in teenage years are no good. So now, instead of restricting myself, since I did that for far too long and it made me sick, I find that I over eat. I suppose it's my way of not letting my obsession for a skinny body to take over. But I do look in the mirror and hate my body. I understand that pregnancy changes your body but I seriously look like the Pillsbury dough boy. I embraced my growing belly when I was pregnant, I loved all the new curves I was getting and thought that my body looked great. I ate healthy, tons of veggies and fruits and things that actually had great nutritional value. Before I got pregnant I was weighing in at around 127 lbs, my belly was my problem area, and I really had no waist line. I was horrible at exercising but all in all, I suppose I was happy. I looked really great in high waisted skirts and could still wear bikinis so I really should not have been complaining. In my last week of being pregnant I tipped the scale at over 185lbs! I never want to weigh that much in my life! 

Of course, I'm happy that I have a healthy and beautiful boy to show for the belly and I didn't expect to loose the weight so quickly and for my body to go back to normal but never did I imagine this! I don't even weight that much, but my body is completely out of whack. I weighed myself the other day and I am only three pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight but I don't look it and it makes me sad. I hate going shopping and trying on clothes because nothing looks right. And even if it does, I don't feel comfortable.

So why haven't I gotten off my butt and started toning? Why have I been paying 40 dollars a month for a gym membership that I haven't used in almost two years? In retrospect, I realize that is well over 800 dollars that I could have saved. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be the day I get up and go for a run, start a workout routine or at least start eating healthier. But I'm too darn lazy. I want to look good again, and better yet, I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I need to do it for myself. True, I want my husband to look at me and actually like my body again, he doesn't say he doesn't like him but then again he's much smarter than to say it out loud and cause an emotional meltdown. He does tell me to go for a run because he knows how much I hate my body. Ideally, I would love to look great in a nice pair of jeans or a great skirt, I want to have the confidence to someday wear a bikini, although the stretch marks will probably stop that ambition, but I just want to love my body again. 

I need to stop using the "I'm to tired, I'm up too early, on my feet for eight hours a day, I come home and want to nap and I have to take care of the baby" excuse. I  mean, I sit in front of the darn computer, I should be able to run the the high school and do a few laps on the track, or at least pop in a 30 minute work out dvd while Gabriel naps. And I most definitely need to stop the bad eating habits of eating crap, lately french fries, chocolate, bread, when I'm bored. 

So, instead of raiding the fridge tonight, I have come to the realization that it's time for a change. Great, I'm so looking forward to working out...

The Husband is Home!

My husband came home for a few days before he heads over to Iraq. I'm so happy for him to be with us, even if it is for a few days. We went to pick him up at the airport yesterday and when Gabriel saw Daddy, he just stared, like he recognized him but was very shy. He would look at him in a way that made me think that he was thinking is that really him? It almost brought tears to my eyes. It feels weird to have him home, not in a bad way, it just seems like it was a dream . He had only been gone for about 2 and a half months so I can't imagine the way it will be when he gets home from Iraq. I remember last time was weird too, like it was a dream, a mirage that would some how disappear if I looked away. Gabriel now cant get enough of Daddy, and I know it will be weird when he leaves again, but for now, he's happy. He says "papa" and waves at him every time he sees him and smiles all the time.

We went to my Dear Husband's parents' house after the airport yesterday so he could pick some stuff up and drop off some stuff and after that we went to Benihana's for dinner. It was a long wait since it was a Friday night and we had no reservations, but the food was worth the wait. Gabriel stayed up pretty darn late but considering how tired he was he was great at the restaurant and let us eat. Out night however, was different. Gabriel woke up and cried and cried and we didn't know what was wrong with him. Eventually after about half an hour of crying, he went back to sleep. I was so uncomftorable though because he kept tossing and turning and digging his legs into my side and I was in a tiny space while Gabriel took up the whole bed. The Husband said he was used to sleeping in a tiny cot so it didn't bother him but I woke up with the worst back pain ever. Still, when I looked to my left and saw both of my boys snoring, it was so worth it. 

OH! And I forgot to brag, my wonderful man bought me an macbook! I'm so thankful for having a wonderful man by my side! I love this guy! 

So, If I'm MIA for awhile it's just because I'm going to be spending the most time I can with my two guys.