Goodbye oh-nine!

I am sitting here, fifteen minutes shy of 2010 and I started thinking about everything that has happened this past year. It has been amazing, last year around this time I didn't even imagine that I would have gone through everything I did this year. I never imagined that I would get married this year, that we would be going through a deployment, that I would be able to do this all on my own. It hasn't been easy, but I know 2010 will bring so many blessings and I am so excited for the year to begin. Only a few more months and my dear husband will be home, they are talking about an early return possibly around February or March, so you can imagine my excitement. After he gets home we're going to move out, we're planning a Vegas trip, and a bunch of other things. I look forward to watching my son grow up, he's already growing up so fast and I can't wait for us to go through it as a family, celebrating every holiday together and starting our own traditions.

2009, you have been good to me, but I am very ready for 2010!

Forgive me for I have sinned

Ok, so maybe "sinned" isn't the word I should be using but lately I just haven't been blogging much. It's not that I don't have time, I just don't use it wisely. Between laundry, making my Christmas cards, Christmas shopping, chasing after Gabriel, working, watching TV, wasting my time on Facebook I just haven't sat down to catch up on either of my two blogs. Gabriel's Dear Daddy Blog is so behind, like a week and a half or so! I am a horrible wife, I set up that blog so my husband could check in on what Gabriel is up to on a daily basis and although I would ocassionaly miss a day, I would make up for it the next day. Now I can't seem to catch up! I should take advantage of my insomnia that I have been having lately and blog, instead of just tossing and turning for hours or doing nothing. I guess this is a step, me updating this blog. But still...I need to get caught up and fast!

It's not that I don't want to blog, I just end up doing something else, reading other peoples blogs instead of focusing, and when ever Gabriel sees me with the laptop he insists on me playing Mickey's Clubhouse songs on YouTube until I've pretty much had enough of listening to the "Hot Dog Dance" song fifteen times in a row that I put the computer away before I pull my hair out.

As far as updates:

Gabriel is running, climbing, "talking" (he says a few words, everything else sounds like Chinese) and is now off the boob. I thought weaning would be harder but I think we were both just ready. He was refusing whole milk in his sippy (he would drink about an ounce, if that) , so dumb me gave him a bottle. The kid who NEVER wanted a bottle is now all for his "ba-ba". He doesn't walk around with the bottle 24/7 nor does he get milk whenever he wants, strictly for before naps, and night time. He's still not sleeping through the night, I'm thinking CIO might have to be our only option. He does, however, go down for bed (and naps too) easily so I am very thankful for that. We have him on a pretty set schedule and I am also thankful for that since it makes life a little less crazy when we know when to expect a nap and bedtime. I think he grew a ton this past month, we'll have to see at his 15 month appointment where he is on the charts.

The little man is very into anything that has to do with Christmas. He especially loves nutcrackers, or "nuh-caa-caas" as he calls them. I was terrified to death that I would have to be dealing with him trying to grab every decoration, throwing the ornaments thinking that they were balls, ripping the presents, and knocking over the tree.

I am happy to report that the tree still stands, and looks exactly as it did the first day with set it up. He loves looking at the tree and the decorations but he understands that it's a no touch zone.We also went and saw Santa and he loved him.

I was quiet relived to know that my kid wasn't the one screaming bloody murder as we placed him on Santa's lap. He was actually smiling and was happy, and ran over to Santa. I think he was eager to tell him what he would like this Christmas, here he is telling him that he wants Daddy to come home soon.

Thankfully, I am DONE with Christmas shopping, I might have gone overboard this year with presents for Gabriel (and my sister!) but Christmas is my favorite holiday and I am the type of person who loves to give gifts. I am very excited to see everyone's reactions to the gifts I bought for them, especially Gabriel's reaction when he tears the wrapping paper and finds some new toys, I mean, it's not like he has enough toys as it is for crying out loud! While this Christmas will not be the best one, since my husband won't be with us, I tried to make it a good one for everyone. Last week we sent out the husband's Christmas package and I cant wait for him to open it, I'm sure he will love what we got him (I wish I could say what we got but I'm sure knowing my luck, he will snoop around on this page and discover what I got for him and it will ruin his Christmas surprise) so I will post what I got for him after Christmas Day.

I am doing good, still working a ton, getting annoyed at the job but I am thankful that I have a job and that despite the fact that it isn't my dream job I am making decent money and we have food to eat and a place to sleep. Life at home...it's stressful at times. The family gets on my case about things and there are days when I feel like I just can't take it. I wish I could just leave sometimes and get our own place now but I can't just do that. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom to death but I don't love the nagging and comments that make me feel like a shitty mother or daughter, by this point, all I can say is that I know that me moving out will have an awesome impact on our relationship because we won't be butting heads every five seconds.

My sleeping habits suck, I feel so tired but just can't fall asleep. I really do not want to use sleeping pills, I have had to in the past and I quite honestly HATE them with a passion. Last night I was up until 3:15 and I had to wake up at 8. By ten I am ready for a nap but seldom am I able to nap. There is always something to do so I try to put off my nap in hopes that I will be tired enough for bed at 9. Never happens. I need to find something to make me fall asleep or just push myself to go to bed at an earlier time because going off three to four hours of sleep is ridiculous!

On a happier note, this deployment might be over earlier than expected! We got news of a possible March homecoming! I am very excited, to say the least, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I need to get back on my diet and exercise routine so I can look somewhat decent when my husband gets home. When I got sick about a month ago, I stopped exercising and then stopped eating healthy.

Tomorrow will be the day, I need to start getting back into the swing of things. That includes blogging (at least on the Dear Daddy blog) every day so I don't' fall behind again, eating and exercising better and going to sleep at a decent time. I'm sure I'm reaching for the stars here, considering how much of a slacker-insomniac I have become but I need my will power to kick in again!

NEVER say this to a military spouse...EVER

Dealing with deployments is not easy. We are separated from each other for months, we have to try and go on with life, take care of our children, celebrate holidays, spend anniversaries away from each other, watch couples walk by holding hands, hear people complain about their husbands, go days, weeks, or even longer without hearing from our significant others and try to not completely break down every second of the day. We live in fear that they may not come home, realize that while we're eating a nice juicy steak, they are eating crap food. So when someone chimes in, offers their opinions and tries to console us with their comparisons of their civilian marriages, we're trying our hardest to not slap some sense into them. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you're trying to make me feel better, but just as I believe that there should be a list of things to never say to a pregnant woman, there are things that should never be said to a military wife, especially while her husband is deployed.

This is my second deployment, our first deployment was extremely difficult, we had just started dating, we both didn't know what to expect. It was a test for our love, a test we managed to deal with and honestly, it proved to us how much we truly love each other. I always heard stupid comments from teachers, "friends", family members, co workers, random people in general. This time around, I am a wife, not a girlfriend, I am a mother now too. I knew what to expect, periods of time where I wont be able to hear from him, feeling so alone even though I have family and friends around me, the pang of jealousy when I would see a couple together, a family. And, while I would love to say that it's easier this time around, it's not. While I would love to say that I don't have to deal with stupid comments, I feel like they have gotten 

even worse this time around. So here I am, sharing what I think should be considered almost illegal to say to me, or any other wife, who is dealing with deployment.

I don't know how you do it. I could never deal.

Um, do what? Wait for him? It's called marriage. It's a commitment that you make for life. If he was an astronaut I'd wait. If he had to serve a year in the peace corps I would wait. If for some reason he had to go to jail, I would wait. What? You wouldn't wait for you husband?I stand by his side because I love him, I am strong and am awaiting his return anxiously. I miss him terribly and sometimes I feel like I can't go on. But I just have to go on. Are you honestly expecting me to lock myself in my room for the whole deployment? I have a child, my life has to go on, I have other obligations and it's not fair for my son to not have his father and mother. While you may think this sounds a compliment, it's not something I like to hear.

Well, he knew what he was signing up for when he joined. Or even worse, You knew what you were getting into when you got married to him (or started dating him)

How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better? It's called love, you don't not marry someone because they are in the military. If you love that person you stand by them no matter what choice they make or made. In my husband's case, he joined pretty much right out of high school, it was something he wanted to do, he did everything he could to join. He chose his life, and I chose to be with him. Yes, when we met I knew he was to deploy soon, he left just months after we met, but I couldn't stop my heart from loving him. I wasn't going to put our love on hold because he was in the Marines. He admits, he was naive, he has confessed that he can't wait to get out of the Marines. Does he regret it? No, he liked it, but he's done with it, we have a family now, he doesn't want to miss out on our son growing up. We want to start living our lives, without the Military. Did we expect to get pregnant and have him leave and miss out on Gabriel's milestones? No. Things don't always go as planned. We "planned" to wait until after his contract was done to start a family, things didn't work out that way.

Don't you miss him?

This has got to be the dumbest question I have ever heard. I don't think I need to get into this. Just know that the answer is yes. Every freakin second of the day. Every time Gabriel does something cute or new I feel a hole in my stomach and feel like he's missing out on so much. As I'm buying Christmas things or eating his favorite meal I think of him and feel like I need him by my side. If a song like "Come Home Soon", "Far away", "Home" or "When You're Gone" comes on, I choke up and before I know it tears are streaming down my face. When I glance at a picture of us I wish I could reach in and hug him. I sleep in his shirts and sleep on his pillow, my heart skips a beat when I think of his homecoming. If you still doubt me missing him, please look at my expression when you ask me this question, I'm sure you'll see something in my eyes that will speak louder than my words.

I know what you feel, my boyfriend/fiance/husband vent on vacation/a business trip for a week and I felt like I was going insane.

How dare you compare a week long trip to a year long deployment? Do you seriously thing this little tidbit makes me feel better? I'm sure your significant other got to sleep in a nice comfy bed, eat tasty food, take nice long hot showers, sleep at somewhat regular hours, oh and, they aren't risking their lives!!!!! Mine is, he has long days, short nights, sleeps in a sleeping bag, can't reach over and call me on the phone whenever he feels like it and is gone for much longer than yours is. Please don't ever say this again, it makes me wanna punch you.

Where is he located exactly?

Why the hell does it matter. I doubt you know Iraqi geography so when I say "Iraq" don't try to get all nosey. 

Has he killed anyone? Doesn't it scare you that you're married to a killer?

First off, that is none of your business. Second, I am not married to a killer. My husband is trained to kill to defend our country, and please know that not every Military Man (or woman) has to go on a killing spree, really, there are different types of jobs in the military, and they don't give you a killing quota, some people never even have to fire their rifles.

He gets to come ho

me for the holidays though right?

He can't pick and choose when he comes back. He will miss out on things, part of the reason why we're sad. Some Daddies miss the births of their children, they miss anniversaries, Christmases, even funerals of parents or other loved ones. 

At least he'll be here next year! (when you inform them that they are going to miss out on a holiday or special event)

Regardless of them being able to be home for every Christmas after that, it's still hard. And your comment isn't easing the pain. We want them home now and it's not just hard on us, it's hard on them too.

At least you don't have to deal with your husband hogging the bed/snoring/taking over the tv remote/leaving clothes all over the place/etc...

I wouldn't care if he was here, snoring away, watching ESPN all day long while I wanted to watch Desperate Housewives. He would be home and that' all that matters. Appreciate your husband, and if you don't, please don't complain to us that he's taking up the bed, my bed is so empty and lonely. Stop complaining about him, hug him, kiss him, cuddle up to him, fight over the remote and tell him you love him, you have no idea how lucky you are to have the opportunity to do so. 

You only have a few more months to go, time flies, he'll be home in no time!

Check your calendar. It's November, he comes home in May. That is not "a few" more months. I don't like to think of how many months are left, it's still gonna seem so far away. The last few weeks/months are the hardest, you feel like time isn't passing fast enough

Don't you miss sex? Man, I would not be able to go for almost a year of not having sex!

Um, no of course not, I don't miss sex. I'm actually a robot so I don't have those kind of needs. Seriously? Of course I miss it but us Military Wives quickly learn that our relationships have more important aspects than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things in a relationship: seeing their faces, holding his hand, having dinner every night and being able to talk about our days. 

At least your son is young, he doesn't know that his Dad is gone, he wont even remember it.

The fact that my son is only 1 year old doesn't mean that he doesnt miss his Daddy. He might not understand why Daddy is away, but he's know that Daddy loves him, that he's not here right now and that being able to see Daddy on the webcam or hear his voice over the phone is a treat. He sees a picture and points to it saying "Papá", kisses the picture and looks around for him. Maybe years from now, Gabriel won't remember his Daddy went away for a year but he does know Daddy isn't home.

I know just how you feel.

NO, you don't know how I feel. Unless you have gone through this yourself or are going through it now you really don't know how I feel. You can't feel that emptiness inside of you or the joy of a five mintue phone call. You don't toss and turn in your bed, surrounded by a bunch of pillows and still can't sleep because your bed feels empty.So please, stop trying to make me feel better.

Party Time! Husband is away, lets have a night out on the town, lets go to a club etc...

No. I am not single. And he deserves as much respect as if he were here, so I am not going to some club or some bar where some drunken random dudes will be hitting on me.

I know how you feel, I was (or "my mom/sister/friend/cousin/etc") was a single mom.

Again, I am not single. Right now I have to take on the role of Mother and Father maybe, but I am not a single mother. A single mother doesn't have to worry about her husband being in danger.

I understand, I watch Army Wives!

It's a TV show, this is real. Please don't think you know my life because you see "military spousal life" on this show. Again, it's a show. A scripted show written to appeal to viewers and profit from the ratings. 

From what I heard, you get really good money from deployments!

No amount of money is worth something happening to my husband. I'd rather be poor and have him home any day.

You need to cheer up! He'll be home soon and moping around isn't going to make him come home faster!

I am trying soooo hard to be strong. Everyone falls every once in awhile. I have days that I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to cry and I don't feel like "dolling" myself up for no one. You making it seem like thats all I am doing is stupid. Go away if yo don't want to deal with my "depressive" self

The _______(president, war, military, etc) is stupid. Don't you hate them for making him get deployed?

I am not involving my political views. And I would appreciate it if you spared me with yours. I hate deployment. Period. Doesn't mean I hate the President or the Military.

I'm glad I'm not in your shoes!

Gee thanks.

Honestly, I just wish some people would think before they speak, it's so annoying to deal with dumb comments. Half the time I just let it slide off, brush it off my shoulders and keep on going with my life, but I just thought some people should be aware of what they say to us Military wives. We are proud of our guys out there, we miss them to death and are awaiting their homecoming, we are strong and stand by them and we can't let any one get us down.

Houston, we have a walker!

Today Gabriel started officially walking! I was sitting in the kitchen talking to my friend and he was standing next to the fridge when all of a sudden, he takes about 15 steps to his toy bin and picks out a book and sits down. He looked at me like I was crazy when I started clapping and saying "Yay Gabriel!" 

It's bitter sweet, I realize that he's growing up so quick and I know that soon he wont be falling every 10 steps and he won't need my help anymore. It's sad, and I wish I could pause time and enjoy my baby boy more before he's not baby any longer. 

In that brief moment that I watched him take those steps I not only got nostalgic because he's growing up, but I started thinking about how my husband is missing all these first moments and how he will feel to know he has missed so much. I am thankful for what he does, however, I can't help but wish that he would have been here with me to see it. I did manage to catch some of his first steps on video, but I know that is not the same. We will never have this all over again, we want more children, but it wont ever be a set of first first steps. Never again will we have a first first birthday or any other first first moment. 

I know that I can't be such a downer but this deployment seems so much harder than our first one. I am looking at the calender and have realized that we have only  a few days left til Thanksgiving and a few weeks left til Christmas and I am not overjoyed like other years. I am actually dreading it. I know that come those days, I will be a blubbering mess. In the years we have been together we have never not been together during the holidays.

So, while this is a happy moment, I wish my husband was here to see our little booger butt toddling around the house.

30 day shred

I haven't updated this blog in a long time but I finally made a commitment and decided to start working out and eating better. It dawned on me one day, I had a slice of cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I realized that my husband is going to come home to a big fat lard ball. I don't eat a whole lot of burgers, fries, potato chips or that kind of junk. My big weaknesses are desserts. But I have decided to put an end to my unnessasary munching and start working out. I have a gym membership but I don't have the time to go, that has been my excuse to not work out. A whole bunch of Mommies on the WTE September 08 board started doing the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred and I had heard that some of them got wonderful results. 

Today was day one of the shred. Boy-oh-boy was that a workout! I kept wanting to quit and go eat some cake or something but I stuck through it. After the workout I felt like my body had turned into Jello but honestly, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I know that tomorrow I will want to avoid the workout but I need to stick through it. Once I start seeing results I know I will feel even more motivated. But now, I'm complaining how tired I am and how I want something to eat...

I know I shouldn't but,

I can't help but feel sad and even envious when I find out that someone is pregnant or has just had a baby. Not envious in the sense that I wish something would happen to the person or the baby, never the bad kind of jealousy, I just wish it was me. While I'm congratulating the Mother-to-be or holding the new baby I am trying to choke back the tears. I don't know why it hurts me so badly, maybe it's the fact that I know I can't have another baby now and that my husband doesn't want another one right now. Maybe it's the fact that I wish I was the one giving the news about my BFP or cradling my new baby but I shouldn't feel that way. I am happy for the friends and family who are adding another member to their family, but I wish I was too. 

The NOT so Itsy Bitsy Spider

I don't have irrational phobias over insects or anything really. Prior to becoming a mom, I would see a spider and would squish it or just relocate it outside. Now I see one and I freak out, not because I am scared of them, I get scared that it will bite Gabriel. I have a fear of anything hurting my son, guess that's motherhood for you though. So instead of putting the spiders outside like back in the day, I squish it and make sure they are good and dead before anything can harm him.

Well today, my sister has like 10 girls over to celebrate her birthday and since the house was getting hot, I opened the door to the patio and sat in the kitchen. Well, the door had been open for about an hour or so, and while I was sitting here, trying to update the Daddy Blog, out of the corner of my eye I see something greyish black crawling across the kitchen floor. I focus on the moving object and see a humongous spider. Never in my life had I seen such a big and fat spider. Just thinking about it gives me chills. I jumped up and ran to find a shoe, snatched it from my sister's foot and ran to look for the spider and I couldn't see it! I can't even explain how much I freaked out when I couldn't find it! I found it and smashed it. All of my sister's friends looked at me like I was crazy and overreacting until I called one of them over to see it. She said it looked like a baby tarantula and we couldn't get over how big it was. We think it crawled in from outside but just the thought that there could be more make me freak out so much. I never want to see a spider like that again. Had I not been here and seen it,  it could've crawled behind a piece of furniture and bitten Gabriel tomorrow. The thought of that disgustingly huge spider crawling on my son mortifies me. I'm so glad that the spider is not here to torment us any longer. 

4 years

Today marks our fourth year together. It has not been easy, in fact, we've gone through very tough times. Right from the start we knew that it wouldn't be easy, we started dating knowing that he would be getting deployed in a few month yet regardless, we still fell more and more for eachother. When the time came for our goodbyes I promised that I would be here waiting. And I did. It was tough but I knew that he was worth every second, not knowing what would happen when he got home. We kept our faith and our promise to eachother and when he was finally in my arms, I knew that I would wait forever if he needed me to. We fought and bickered about everything and we made up. Numerous tears have been shed and there were times when we wanted to give up. We hit a very rough patch and were at a make it or break it point but we're still here. I'm waiting for him, yet again, and I will be here for him always.  I can honestly say that I can see us getting old together and walking together bickering all wrinkly and toothless. So while these four years are nothing compared to our goal of "forever" they are a huge milestone for us!

Being sick...

Being sick really sucks. I don't have the luxury to just stay in bed all day and get better. Gabriel won't stay down that long and it's unfair that I would have to pawn him off just because I don't feel well. I try my hardest to keep going, do laundry, make dinner and play with him but when it comes time for me to get some rest I can't! I am no neat freak but I know I have too much to do to just take a nap. The worst is I can't not go to work. I open pretty much every day and it's hard to find someone to cover an opening shift pretty much with hours to spare. I hate this. If I didn't have to work I'm sure I would be a little better by now but, no....

I just needed to get that off my chest.

On a more positive note, I got to talk to the husband on Skype and we got to see him. Gabriel was so happy and was blowing kisses to Daddy. We couldn't get our camera to work so he could see us but I'm hoping to work out the kinks soon.

Sick as a Dog!

Finally, I'm all caught up on my blogging! And the last thing I wanted to share was that both Gabe and I are sick! No fun! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Gabriel is going to the doctor tomorrow since he has his 1 year check up anyway so I'm hoping that it's nothing serious! I hate seeing my poor kiddo sick!

Happy Birthday Gabriel!

This is a day late but Gabriel woke up on his birthday with a horribly runny nose and very fussy so when the time came to write my blog yesterday, he started crying so I just ended up going to bed with him.

I actually wrote my little man a letter:

Gabriel,

Happy First Birthday sweet baby boy. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I love you nor can they describe how great this whole year has been. It seems like just yesterday I was finding out that I was expecting, just yesterday that Daddy and I heard your heartbeat for the first time and were anxiously awaiting your arrival. We dreamed of what you would look like, of hearing your laugh, wrapping your hand around our fingers and spending our life with you. I don't even know how it happened so quickly, those nine months sped right by and before we knew it you were in our arms.

From the moment I laid eyes on your chubby little face you stole my heart. I felt whole. I never knew that something was even missing  but there was, you were missing in our lives. I still remember your cry and how when I would go into the nursery at the hospital I could distinguish it from the other crying babies. I remember the joy I felt when I held you for the first time, so small and precious yet you became my entire life from the second I found out of your existence. 

I still remember your first night home, how Daddy and I couldn't even sleep because we just were in awe that you were finally with us. I remember that we couldn't stop smiling at each other and telling eachother that you were so cute and couldn't get over the fact that you were ours. 

Every day you started changing so much, doing new things and before I knew it, I am writing you this, wiping away tears and remembering when you were inside of me. I am remembering when we went to the hospital with our bags in hand, camera ready and waiting to finally hold our precious baby boy. 

God could not have given us a better son that you. You will always be number one in my heart, while I know that I shouldn't say that, you are my firstborn, with you, I felt the first kick, I experienced childbirth, with you there were so many firsts, and that will be hard to replace. God bless you on this day and every day of your life. 

Love,

Mommy

Birthday Party! (a few days late!)

So better late than never right? Here is the scoop on Gabriel's birthday party that we had on Sunday. The day started off very early for Gabriel. I guess he was excited for his party too because he woke up at 3ish. Yes, THREE AM! I tried getting him to sleep longer and he would cat nap and play in his crib. By 7 I got up and showered and headed to the park to set it up. I was very content with the result! I loved my centerpieces and my decorations and was so excited for Gabriel to see Mickey Mouse everywhere.

After setting up the party area, my Father-in-law stayed at the park while I went home and got ready and got Gabriel ready. I had bought him a shirt on Etsy and I also bought him some personalized Mickey Ears 

which he surprisingly left on for most of the party.

I didn't get as many pictures as I would've liked but I did get some cute ones of Gabriel and I. Oh how I wished that my husband was with us!

 

Gabriel and his best friend Brandon had lots of fun!

It was finally time to break the piñata. He wasn't too thrilled that people were hitting his Mickey with a stick. Then again, I he was pretty tired so his cranky side was emerging!

After the piñata, I handed out the goody bags but I forgot to take a picture of them. I will take a picture of Gabriel's so you can see what they had inside. For the kids 5 and under I got some blue gift bags and personalized each one and put a sticker on them too. Inside there was a Mickey cup, coloring book, crayons, Mickey gummies, candies and other stuff like that. Everyone loved the cups! And I loved giving the kids something other than just candy. They were so happy and I got lots of good reviews on the bags from all the munchkins!

Finally it was cake time! Here is the picture of the cake, it's not like the one I had originally wanted whe the party planning started but I was not about to pay close to $600 for a cake just because it had fondant. I had bought him a smash cake but he was getting fussy so I didn't think he would care much for it so I saved it for his real birthday on Monday.

Here is a picture of Gabriel with his Cake Top Hat that Daddy sent him. He didn't really want to keep it on since the hat was too big and heavy for him but at least I got a cute picture of him wearing it!He did end up wanting cake when he saw me eating some so I gave him a slice and he went to town on it! He was such a happy boy and he looked adorable smooshing cake between his fingers. Here he is giving people the evil eye when they wanted to take his cake! Everyone that has seen this picture say that the look he's giving looks just like my evil eye, very protective of my cake! LOL!

Next we opened presents. He was getting really fussy and he didn't really want to open them so I helped. He got tons of cool toys including the rocking horse he wanted from when we went to Costco!!! Among the gifts he got a talking dump truck, a wagon from me, and tons of other toys too. Brandon and Adrienne got him a dumbo, a ball and a FOURTY NINERS JERSEY! Tia Ely got him some really cool FOURTY NINER LIGHT UP SNEAKERS! He also got a Captain Hook halloween costume from Grandpa. Grandma Adela got him a tricycle! Here is a picture with the Toy you Daddy got him, it was a Mickey Train set.

Overall, the party went great. I was way too stressed and there were some kids that ruined some of my centerpieces so that just pissed me off. Seriously, these kids were acting like wild animals and their Mom was just sitting on her ass watching them. Apparantely they took juice boxes and kept squirting them at eachother, they took the lollypops off like 4 centerpieces and would just end up throwing them out. I was so pissed. And that lady showed up with a kid that I had not invited and she got mad when I didn't have a goody bag for him, sorry lady, it's called RSVPing! Otherwise, I guess it was good. I knew I was bound to get sentimental so when I burst into tears right before cutting the cake I knew that was expected since I really wished my husband was home. Thankfully, Adrienne was there to make me feel better.

It was a good party, nice to have some people that trully care about our family around us. And while I spent way too much money on his party and some things didn't go the way I had planned, the only way it could've been better would have been to have my husband home. Otherwise, it was great!

I just realized...

Last year right around this time we were heading to the hospital. Little did we know that we would be sent back home since they said that I "wasn't in labor"....ha! I know that it might not have been the strong-off -the-chart contractions I would be having later but I was in labor. 

Anyway,

just had to share!

Tomorrow is the day...

Finally, after months and months of planning, his birthday party is here...well a few hours away but still, it's right around the corner. My house is full of presents and boxes filled with party supplies. I swear, I'm making myself sick to my stomach just thinking about tomorrow and Iknow that I just need to chill out and enjoy the party no matter what happens. I guess I am really just nervous and sad and excited and stressed! I wish my husband was home. I think that's the bottom line, I dont want to feel sad and get all depressed because he's not going to be with us on this special day that we were looking forward to so much and I'm trying to keep myself busy in order to avoid those feelings. I know that Gabriel isn't going to remember the party but I guess deep down, I just want it to be a happy day, make it seem like I'm not hurting on the inside to not have my husband home. 

I shouldn't be feeling this way, mostly it's the stress and exhaustion talking and I should be in bed since I have to be up early and have a busy, busy day ahead. 

Is it Monday yet?

I want this party to be DONE with! I know it's going to be good but really, I'm tired! I'm stressing about everyting to do with the party! I want to be able to relax and not worry about having to finish the goody bags and just sit down and play with my munchkin. People aren't RSVP'ing, I have to finish the goody bags, pick up the cake, get some coffee, be there in time to decorate everything and I just feel like some of my stress would be eased if my husband were home...At least he would be here to help me with some of it, I know I would still be stressed regardless but still...

So big!

Today we had our WIC appointment and Gabriel got measured and weighed. And the numbers are in....*drumroll please*27 lbs 8 oz (with clothes and diapers)

and 32 in

I don't really trust the WIC people since last time the numbers were way off. The weighed him at 26 lbs and when we went to the doctors he was 25 lbs and like 10 oz. But I suppose it's nice to have an "estimate" of his weight.

We also had a playdate with my friend Adrienne and her little munchkin Brandon. They are interacting so much more now and its so cute to watch them play and "talk" to eachother. They are too stinkin cute!

"You're still doing it?"

Throughout my almost 21 years of life I have learned a very important lesson in life- people are morons. I know, I know, I shouldn't generalize but if you think that people are morons, when you lower your expectations of them and aren't surprised when they say or do something stupid and ignorant. Everyday I deal with hundreds, ok, maybe not hundreds but close enough, of people at work. I'm not going to say that everyone is dumb but maybe it's just the customers that come into our store, but I swear, everyday I have to listen to people make some dumb comment to me. Today's dumb comment took the cake though.  I was at work today and a customer came in and ordered her drink. She asked me how I was doing and I confessed to her that I was scared that Gabriel's birthday party next 

week would be rained out. She started trying to reassure me that it would stop, that it was supposed to be sunny all weekend and then proceeded to asking me how the first year had gone for me. I started gushing, telling her how it went too fast, that I remember the first nights at home as if they were yesterday. I remember not wanting to sleep because I just wanted to watch him sleep. I told her how every moment was amazing, even the sleepless nights and breastfeeding struggles. She interrupted me and asked me when I gave up on breastfeeding. I told her how we were still breastfeeding and she gasped and almost hit her jaw on the floor. "You're still doing it?" she sneered "he's almost one!". 

I told her how it was my goal to go to one and I worked really hard to accomplish it. "Well, you know he's not getting the nutrients he needs. You should have supplemented with formula so he could get all the vitamins he needs. Now he's probably malnourished." she stated. Now I almost hit my jaw on the floor, who the hell does she think she is to tell me this? My kid? Malnourished? I told her that he was anything but malnourished since at his 9 month appointment he weighed 26 lbs and is right on track developmentally. I don't intend on bashing any formula feeders, but my choice was to breastfeed. 

As I stated earlier, it hasn't always been easy. I could have given him formula if I wanted to. I hate pumping at work, I have to pump in a bathroom where people are always pulling on the door and pounding when I don't come out. It's annoying, and I hate it but I do it because I want to breastfeed. When my supply was low I'd feel like the world was going to end because the thought of having to hang up my udders was horrible! Teething sucks, he would bite and grind at my nipple and I would cringe but I never thought of giving up because of this. 

My freezer was stashed with little lansinoh bags of frozen breastmilk, we couldn't buy frozen foods because nothing fit in the freezer. Everytime I would open the freezer I would want to pat myself on the back because I managed to get such a huge stash of frozen milk. At one point I calculated about 300 oz! 

So for this bitch to come up to me and give me crap for still breastfeeding just drove me up the wall. I hate unwanted advice and input on the way I am raising my son. I plan on going to 18 months, I'm not sure if we'll make it but I am not going to stop breastfeeding because other people aren't happy with my choice to do so. 

All Gave some, Some Gave All

Remember 9/11/2001 and those that lost their lives on that day!

God Bless 

America!

Old Macdonald Had a Farm...

Lately, this has become Gabriel's favorite song! He cracks up whenever he hears it. His favorite part is when I say "Old Macdonald had a cow" and start mooing. He tries to moo too! And when he watches his Baby Macdonald video and the cow comes on the screen he starts to screech and points at the cow and tries to moo at it! It cracks me up how much he likes the darn cow! I hope it's not because he sees some resemblance with me and the animal!

Almost there...

I looked at the calendar and realized how close it is to my son's first birthday, eleven days from today he will be 1 year old. Time sure has flown by this year. Gabriel's godfather had his baby girl yesterday and it really made me think of when Gabriel was born. I still remember how happy I was  to see him for the first time and how I had never experienced "love at first sight" until I laid eyes on my baby boy. I was remembering the car ride to the hospital and how we saw a ton of Volkswagen Beetles on the way there, and since the husband and I always punch each other when we see them, thinking how if he dared to even mention the bug I would slam his head against the window. I remember everyone telling me that my contractions were really strong and very close together and that he would be born before the end of the day but I wasn't dilating and didn't have him until the next day. Although it was painful, the pain seemed to dissipate as soon as I saw him. Now, to see him crawling around, attempting to walk, being a goofball and just acting more like the toddler he is becoming, is amazing. God could not have blessed  me with a better son than Gabriel. He is my whole life now and it makes me so sad to realize that he's no longer a baby. We're almost at the toddler years!

Delete

I started venting about something that I shouldn't post on here, typed this whole novel, it seemed, and then deleted it. I got my anger and thoughts out. But no need to post our dirty laundry on the lawn for the neighbors to see. All in all, I feel better now.

Throwback time!

Today while I was doing my makeup to get ready for the day, my sister came into my room and sat on my bed. Since my ipod was plugged into my laptop and was on shuffle, songs from about two years ago came on and I told my sister how I hadn't heard this one song in a long time. The song reminded me of two summers ago, and I started thinking back to how different my life was back then. Two summers ago I was with my Hubby, then boyfriend, and we spent our days off driving around in the TC, we would head over to Half Moon Bay just for the heck of getting out of the area. Sometimes it would be 9 pm and we would decide to go for a little drive. We would walk along the beach and just sit on the huge rocks with the moon over our heads illuminating the crashing waves. We would go out to eat all the time, thinking back to how much money we spent on those meals gives me chills! We had no responsibility, no diapers to buy, no one to look after or really care about other than ourselves. It sounds horrible when I say that but what I mean is how now we have a reason to save our money, to drive carefully, to live for.  Before we would go out and drink, party and just have fun. Now, I was never the hard-core party girl but we definitely had some good times! House parties, hotel parties, just sitting in my mom's backyard with his cousins and friends while we listened to good music and sipped some drinks and ate pizza. They were good times. Looking back, it seems as if those summer nights and party days were a long, long time ago. 

I have changed. He has changed. While I am not saying I will give up a glass of wine or a few drinks forever and never ever go out and have fun, I just don't feel the need to do it anymore. I have fun sitting at home with my son, playing peek-a-boo and chasing after him. 

I don't really know what the latest chart toppers or club hits are, the songs I know now are all along the lines of singing "Old Macdonald" to my kid to see him giggle and laugh uncontrollably. 

I feel like I'm such an old person sometimes, I realize how much my life has changed and how much better it is now that I actually have something meaningful in my life. I don't think that even in those days I was a complete irresponsible girl. I knew that I wanted to someday have a family, I knew that he would be the man I would marry and I knew that if I were to get pregnant we would be able to support our child and act like the adults we are now. It's not that I think that I am better than those young mom's out there, I know I am not the best but I do strive to give my son everything I can and make sure he is getting everything he needs, not only physically but emotionally and developmentally. I do realize I am turning 21 in one month from tomorrow, and I do remember how I had planned a trip to vegas for my big 2-1 but things change. People change. Priorities change. I know I'm not going to deprive myself of having a life, which is what people say I am doing, but my son is my life now. And while I do see friends of mine celebrating their 21st birthdays, going out for drinks and acting, well, like a young person,  and I do admit, I do find myself living vicariously though them but, I don't want to be them. I have never been so fulfilled in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing out because I have something worth more than a bottle of Captain Morgan or a shot of Patron, I have a beautiful son who with one smile gives me more of a buzz and a high than any drug or type of alcohol. 

Yes, those days were fun, but the ones to come will be a billion times better!

Inconsiderate people

I understand that people want their coffee, and I don't blame them for that, after all caffeine is a drug and therefore,as a barista,  I am a legal drug dealer. What really makes my blood boil is how inconsiderate some people can be! Today we had this one guy, a real estate agent I suppose, show up with two homebuyers to go over paper work. I had mopped the floors and the chairs were on the table so the floors could dry. Well the guy asked us if they could sit down, ok, that's fine, we still have twenty minutes til closing time. My co-worker and I were going about our closing duties just fine, and at seven thirty we announce that it's closing time. They guy says "oh but can you give us five minutes? We are almost done." 

I know one of Starbucks motto's or whatever is to be welcoming, well, how on earth can I be welcoming when I've been at work for eight hours and just want to get the hell out of there? Ok, breathe, five minutes isn't that bad. Fifteen minutes pass and they are still there. Really? You think I don't have a home and family to go to? Really? Are you that selfish? WHAT are you going to give to US for sealing the deal on the house? How inconsiderate are you that you don't understand that we want to go home too. Just because Starbucks makes us plaster a smile on our face and be "welcoming" doesn't mean that we aren't cursing your name and wanting to kick you in the face for not leaving. We are tired, we smell, we just want to go home. We could've gone home earlier but they didn't leave until we kicked them out for the third time, 25 minutes after they originally said they would leave. 

Just some common courtesy people, always check what time places close before you walk in somewhere, especially when it looks like the place is about to close. We may act like synchronized robots in green aprons but we have a life too!  

And Again...

No afternoon nap...again. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.  I need a nap and he does too. He's this big fussy, bawling mess when he skips on it but as much as I tried, he wouldn't go down for one again. I'm turning into zombie mom. I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago after washing my face and scared myself. I have never seen such horrible under-eye circles on myself! I could never go out in public looking as I do now! People would mistake me for one of the undead! 

I'm hoping his little trend stops soon, for his sake and mine!

So tired...

Why is it that when I really need to take a nap he refuses to go to sleep? This afternoon he flat out refused to sleep and I know he was exhausted. I hate that he fights sleep, he's such a stubborn kid. I guess I shouldn't complain because he's been doing great at night, he goes down usually without much of a fuss but naptime? Oh boy. That is a whole different story. 

When you have to be up way before the butt crack of dawn, you need to sleep. Some people go to sleep early, others take naps. I'm more of a nap-taker but today we both skipped on it. I had so much to do but I was trying to sleep over his whining and crying to no avail. 

See, that is one thing that I do miss about pre-motherhood days. Sleep. It's not about the partying or any of that, it's my uniterrupted sleep. When he was a newborn I was able to nap, no problem, but now, he's a big stubborn kiddo who decides when Mommy can or can't take a nap. It's not that I would return my gift of motherhood for sleep, it's just that at times when I'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep and he refuses to go down at least for half an hour, I turn into a big dragon lady...

This always happens...

I have to start venting and complaining again,it seems like that is all I do lately on here. I want another kiddo. I know it's impossible, considering the husband is gone, but I wish that somehow I could somehow get a BFP. Again, impossible, but I see all these pregnant woman and I seriously envy them. The girls on my WTE board are all asking each other when they are trying to conceive again and some have been getting their BFPs already. It would be unfair if Hubby had left me knocked up because he'd miss out on the whole pregnancy, maybe even the birth too. So I know it's not good timing regardless of what I want. It's not going to happen and I just have to get that in my head...Blah!

Still...all those little cute pink bows and dresses...and little socks and shoes! Aww I miss those good 'ol newborn days! I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Gabriel is growing up and I don't want to let that stage go...

Is it May yet?

I miss my husband so much. I hate whining about it and I try not to think of the time he will be gone and how much he will be missing out on but I just have my days that I wish that I could fast forward time and have him back with us. It sucks that when I'm having a hard day I cant reach over for a hug and that he's missing out on all the holidays with us and everything. I should really quit my venting, I know I'm not the first and only woman who is going through this. Sometimes May seems not too far away, other times it seems like an eternity. 

It's starting to hit me...

In exactly three weeks from today my baby boy turns one. Oh how time has flied. Last year around this time I was waddling around with a big beach ball of a belly wanting him to be born already. How I miss those days...

And he's such a big boy now. I find myself looking at him and thinking about how much better my life is now that he is in it. I am so blessed to have him as my son, I cant imagine a better baby than him.  When I look at him and realize how fast this time has passed I start thinking about how fast this year went I realize how soon he's going to be growing into a school-aged kid, a teenager, a grown man. It makes me so sad. I think back to my mom and my husband's mom and think that they must have felt the same prior to mine and the husband's first birthday and what they must be feeling now to see their grandson about to turn one. Im sure that one day I will be doing just that, thinking back to the days when Gabriel was a baby right before my own grandson's first birthday.

Im rambling and probably not making any sense but I guess what I've been thinking about is the fact that time happens. It doesn't stay still and you can't control it, you can't stop it so you have to live in the moment and be thankful for what you have. It's not that I dont live by that motto anyway, but now that I have Gabriel I don't worry about the little thing as much as I used to. So in these last three weeks of him being a baby I'm going to savor every moment, kiss him as much as I can, hug him very tight, snap as many pictures as I can, because before I know it, he'll hit the big 1!

I don't get it...

I don't get how some people can be so darn rude and ungrateful. Seriously, grow the fuck up. Pardon my french, but it's true. 

It got me thinking...

Today I was on my beloved WTE wandering along on the Green Parenting board where I am mainly a lurk on the cloth diapering part of the forum. I came across a topic that was about how discouraged this August 09 Mommy was on her home boards with all the women that had been so pro breastfeeding throughout the pregnancy and now don't breastfeed at all because  "they don't produce enough milk" or "it's a drag to arrange your whole schedule to nursing" or "formula is just easier to deal with" or  "it hurt too much". This mom was saying how she didn't understand how these women were saying such thing especially after expressing such strong desire to nurse their kids. Well, the whole discussion got started and each mom started stating her personal opinion and experience. While I don't have the same problem on my home board (I love my September 2008 moms!) I did start thinking about the moms I do know in real life, by this I mean Moms outside of internet world, and my own personal experience. 

No one said it would be easy, in fact most people didn't understand why I would want to breastfeed. My own mom said that I would probably chicken out, cry because it would hurt or get grossed out by leaky boobs and such. I remember being a little kid and playing dolls and I would "breastfeed" the dolls. I never saw it as something weird and even at my short age I would see a woman breastfeeding in public and not feel awkward or feel a need to stare. I remember going to my WIC appointment and when the lady asked me if I was planning to breastfeed how happy she was. She said that most young moms get creeped out by it and flat out say that they won't be breastfeeding. She encouraged me to do it and gave me a ton of books and pamphlets on the benefits of breastfeeding and breastfeeding 101. I felt so proud and I hadn't even had my baby yet!

Throughout my pregnancy I would worry about not being able to breastfeed but I promised myself that I would try my best to do so but I also was of the mentality, "if it doesn't work out it's ok, at least I gave it a shot". I went out and bought a manual pump, I didn't think it was reasonable to spend $300+ on a good quality pump when I didn't even know if it was going to work out. I also bought a ton of bottles since I thought that I would need them regardless of me breastfeeding or not. 

I never took a breastfeeding class, watched breastfeeding videos or read a breastfeeding book. I didn't look up the benifits of breastfeeding on my own. My knowledge on breastfeeding was limited to the information provided by the section of breastfeeding in What to Expect When You're Expecting or any reading material provided to me by the WIC office or the Hospital. Yet, with the little knowledge I had I understood that breastmilk is best; higher IQ, higher self esteem, faster weight loss for me (yeah, right), etc.

The day that Gabriel was born we were not able to breastfeed right away. He had to be whisked away to the special care nursery right away so he was literally born, I held him , kissed him and he was taken from us. He couldn't leave so I couldn't hold him until I could walk again and the epidural wore off. I was scared to have missed the first bonding experience. But upon my arrival into my recovery room the nurse showed me how to assemble my pump kit for the Medela Symphony they had in the room and told me to pump right away so Gabriel could drink the colostrum.  Ah, colostrum, I knew that was crucial to the baby, so a-pumping I went. I admit, it was quite odd. I felt like a cow...and the pump looked like a torture device. Nearly 2 ounces and 20 minutes later, the nurse came back in and was shocked to see how much was in the bottle. I felt so proud handing her my little bottle filled with yellowish orange liquid and knowing that we were off to a good start despite the situation. So, until I was able to nurse him, I would pump every two hours for twenty minutes and hand my liquid gold off to the nurse.

When I was able to first nurse him I felt so lost! The nursing pillow felt weird, he felt so small, my boobs felt huge and I thought I was going to smother him with them. Latching was a task but my mom was there to help and so was the nurse. It did hurt but I immediately fell in love with breastfeeding. I felt so close to him and I loved how he looked there with milk dribbling down his cheek and gulping away, I loved his little sigh when he was done. It felt right, there is just no other word to describe it. So I made a commitment, then and there, that I would for sure breastfeed up to his first birthday no matter what. And I have been doing just that.

It hasn't always been easy, around 9 weeks postpartum or so my supply started getting really low. I would pump every two hours (on the dot!) and he nursed every two hours  but instead of pumping my usual 3-4 oz (sometimes even more!) I started getting 1 oz at the most. I started giving him a bottle so I could see if maybe he was just eating more but it was still the same. I would still pump every two hours while someone gave him the bottle and still no change. I cried. I was so upset in thinking that it could be coming to an end. I went online and started my research on what could be causing this and what could help. I tried everything, uping my water intake, fenugreek, mothers milk tea, relaxing, pumping after each feed, extended night feedings, massaging...Turns out Aunt Flo was around the corner and Gabriel was hitting a growth spurt and that my problem was actually quite common. Within a few days everything was back to normal.

 Then, around 3 months, I got the flu and Gabriel got a milder version of my flu. I couldn't get out of bed, I was weak and my supply dropped again and he just wasn't interested in eating for a day or two. Regardless I'd offer the boob and still pump every 2 hours regardless of him eating. I drank so much fluids and still drank my good 'ol mother's milk tea and fenugreek. I knew that when you are nursing not every medicine is compatible with breastfeeding but I saw that and cold medicine actually reduces your supply or can dry you up completely and that it should only be used if absolutely necessary. Although I felt like I was dying, ok maybe not dying but I tend to be dramatic at times, I refused any medicine that could end up in me having to supplement with formula. About a week later, I was better and he was too and I worked harder than ever to get my supply up. 

By this point, I had already stashed up over a hundred ounces of frozen breastmilk, I didn't want to take any chances.

Sadly, In December I went back to work. I work at Starbucks, my oh-so-glam job and I knew I would have to pump every chance I got to keep my supply up. So at every break (my ten minute break and lunch breaks) I would head to the bathroom with my dinky little manual pump and pump away. I would not be able to eat because my hands were occupied and by the time I was done, I had a 4 oz bottle full of milk (by full I do indeed mean full). I hate pumping at work. As I stated before, I pump in the bathroom where people pound on the door every 2 seconds because they have to go and I've been in there for "a long time". I cannot tell you how many arguments I've had with customers. They tell me that since they are customers they have more right to you use it...I just go off on them Bitch Please! More right? My ass you have more right. It use to make me uncomfortable but I'm so used to it by now. And around his fourth month I upgraded my Avent Isis Manual pump (I was seriously getting carpal tunnel from pumping so darn much!) to a Medela Freestyle= best choice ever! It was pricey but so worth it! I don't regret dropping almost four hundred big buckaroos on it since I use it so much and plan on using it with the next kids. So now instead of having to do 15-20 minute sessions on each boob manually, I just clip and pump it up and have my hands free to eat, text or whatever else I have to do. 

I digress. Point is, it hasn't been easy. I've been through so much with breastfeeding: nursing strikes, teething (one word: OUCH!), overactive let down (causing the kid to spit up too much and get colicky). He still nurses at least 4 times a day, sometimes snacks in bettween feeds. He hates milk in his bottle and flat out refuses it in a cup, he just wants the girls! When I'm at work we're lucky if he takes 1 maybe 2 bottles. I still get up early (I start at 4:45 am) to pump just mainly to keep my supply up since he lacks so much interest in bottles. I still pump at work and get the annoying people pounding on the door, the confused look on some of my young and naive teenage coworkers who think I must have digestive issues since I'm in there for so long, and the weary look from customers who have been waiting outside of the bathroom door imagining why on earth I was in there for so long. I hate pumping. I love breastfeeding but hate, despise, loathe having two tubes stuck on my boob making a mooing noise and extracting milk from my udders. It's something so mechanical, nothing compared to breastfeeding. I compare breastfeeding vs pumping to making love vs using a sex toy-it's not the real deal but it gets the job done. 

I'm proud of myself for getting this far and making such a commitment to the well being of my child. I dont want to stop breastfeeding any time soon. I feel that sometimes it would be nice to ditch the nursing bras for some pretty Victoria's Secret bras, throwing the nursing pads that I have been wearing for over a year and a half  out the window and having my boobs back to myself. But, everytime Gabriel nurses I am reminded that I'm not just doing it because it's good for him or because he loves to nurse, it's also because I love the closeness and the bond we have. I love his chubby hand stroking my boob and how he curls his legs around me when he nurses. I love that while he's eating he gazes in my eyes and suddenly smiles with milk trickling down his chin then goes back to buisness. I love knowing that I have something that he wants that no one else can provide. 

The journey hasn't always been easy but it has been awesome. So to those that say "I couldn't breastfeed", "It hurts", "I don't think it's worth it"...Pooey on you! You don't know what you're missing out on. I understand it's a personal decision and in no way am I saying you're taking the easy way out by formula feeding (yes, you wash bottles, warm them up, have to spend money on formula, have to get up at three in the morning to make a bottle) it all is easier to just breastfeed, even though at times it doesn't seem that way. 

Boobies Rock!

Night Night, Sleep Tight!

Today Gabriel did not fuss  much when I put him down to sleep. He looked so sweet sleeping in his crib! 

On another note, today is my dear husbands birthday. Happy Birthday Babe! We'll celebrate when you get back!

Day 3 of CIO

So tonight was our third night of CIO and it was not better than yesterday. He cried for about fourty five minutes and then he stopped but was still standing and not moving. Turns out he fell asleep standing up! I wish I had gotten a picture of it but he woke up when I left the room to go get it I suppose because when I snapped the picture his eyes opened.He is such a silly kid. Ten minutes or so more of crying, and I went over to pat his back and he fell asleep with like the sixth pat. I hope it starts getting easier. Whenever he sees that I am carrying him towards the crib he cries and I feel so bad for making him hate the crib and making it seem like a "bad" place. I know it's for his own good, I honestly don't mind him sleeping with me but I don't want to have a four year old sleeping in my bed.