Being sick...

Being sick really sucks. I don't have the luxury to just stay in bed all day and get better. Gabriel won't stay down that long and it's unfair that I would have to pawn him off just because I don't feel well. I try my hardest to keep going, do laundry, make dinner and play with him but when it comes time for me to get some rest I can't! I am no neat freak but I know I have too much to do to just take a nap. The worst is I can't not go to work. I open pretty much every day and it's hard to find someone to cover an opening shift pretty much with hours to spare. I hate this. If I didn't have to work I'm sure I would be a little better by now but, no....

I just needed to get that off my chest.

On a more positive note, I got to talk to the husband on Skype and we got to see him. Gabriel was so happy and was blowing kisses to Daddy. We couldn't get our camera to work so he could see us but I'm hoping to work out the kinks soon.

Sick as a Dog!

Finally, I'm all caught up on my blogging! And the last thing I wanted to share was that both Gabe and I are sick! No fun! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. Gabriel is going to the doctor tomorrow since he has his 1 year check up anyway so I'm hoping that it's nothing serious! I hate seeing my poor kiddo sick!

Happy Birthday Gabriel!

This is a day late but Gabriel woke up on his birthday with a horribly runny nose and very fussy so when the time came to write my blog yesterday, he started crying so I just ended up going to bed with him.

I actually wrote my little man a letter:

Gabriel,

Happy First Birthday sweet baby boy. Words cannot even begin to describe how much I love you nor can they describe how great this whole year has been. It seems like just yesterday I was finding out that I was expecting, just yesterday that Daddy and I heard your heartbeat for the first time and were anxiously awaiting your arrival. We dreamed of what you would look like, of hearing your laugh, wrapping your hand around our fingers and spending our life with you. I don't even know how it happened so quickly, those nine months sped right by and before we knew it you were in our arms.

From the moment I laid eyes on your chubby little face you stole my heart. I felt whole. I never knew that something was even missing  but there was, you were missing in our lives. I still remember your cry and how when I would go into the nursery at the hospital I could distinguish it from the other crying babies. I remember the joy I felt when I held you for the first time, so small and precious yet you became my entire life from the second I found out of your existence. 

I still remember your first night home, how Daddy and I couldn't even sleep because we just were in awe that you were finally with us. I remember that we couldn't stop smiling at each other and telling eachother that you were so cute and couldn't get over the fact that you were ours. 

Every day you started changing so much, doing new things and before I knew it, I am writing you this, wiping away tears and remembering when you were inside of me. I am remembering when we went to the hospital with our bags in hand, camera ready and waiting to finally hold our precious baby boy. 

God could not have given us a better son that you. You will always be number one in my heart, while I know that I shouldn't say that, you are my firstborn, with you, I felt the first kick, I experienced childbirth, with you there were so many firsts, and that will be hard to replace. God bless you on this day and every day of your life. 

Love,

Mommy

Birthday Party! (a few days late!)

So better late than never right? Here is the scoop on Gabriel's birthday party that we had on Sunday. The day started off very early for Gabriel. I guess he was excited for his party too because he woke up at 3ish. Yes, THREE AM! I tried getting him to sleep longer and he would cat nap and play in his crib. By 7 I got up and showered and headed to the park to set it up. I was very content with the result! I loved my centerpieces and my decorations and was so excited for Gabriel to see Mickey Mouse everywhere.

After setting up the party area, my Father-in-law stayed at the park while I went home and got ready and got Gabriel ready. I had bought him a shirt on Etsy and I also bought him some personalized Mickey Ears 

which he surprisingly left on for most of the party.

I didn't get as many pictures as I would've liked but I did get some cute ones of Gabriel and I. Oh how I wished that my husband was with us!

 

Gabriel and his best friend Brandon had lots of fun!

It was finally time to break the piñata. He wasn't too thrilled that people were hitting his Mickey with a stick. Then again, I he was pretty tired so his cranky side was emerging!

After the piñata, I handed out the goody bags but I forgot to take a picture of them. I will take a picture of Gabriel's so you can see what they had inside. For the kids 5 and under I got some blue gift bags and personalized each one and put a sticker on them too. Inside there was a Mickey cup, coloring book, crayons, Mickey gummies, candies and other stuff like that. Everyone loved the cups! And I loved giving the kids something other than just candy. They were so happy and I got lots of good reviews on the bags from all the munchkins!

Finally it was cake time! Here is the picture of the cake, it's not like the one I had originally wanted whe the party planning started but I was not about to pay close to $600 for a cake just because it had fondant. I had bought him a smash cake but he was getting fussy so I didn't think he would care much for it so I saved it for his real birthday on Monday.

Here is a picture of Gabriel with his Cake Top Hat that Daddy sent him. He didn't really want to keep it on since the hat was too big and heavy for him but at least I got a cute picture of him wearing it!He did end up wanting cake when he saw me eating some so I gave him a slice and he went to town on it! He was such a happy boy and he looked adorable smooshing cake between his fingers. Here he is giving people the evil eye when they wanted to take his cake! Everyone that has seen this picture say that the look he's giving looks just like my evil eye, very protective of my cake! LOL!

Next we opened presents. He was getting really fussy and he didn't really want to open them so I helped. He got tons of cool toys including the rocking horse he wanted from when we went to Costco!!! Among the gifts he got a talking dump truck, a wagon from me, and tons of other toys too. Brandon and Adrienne got him a dumbo, a ball and a FOURTY NINERS JERSEY! Tia Ely got him some really cool FOURTY NINER LIGHT UP SNEAKERS! He also got a Captain Hook halloween costume from Grandpa. Grandma Adela got him a tricycle! Here is a picture with the Toy you Daddy got him, it was a Mickey Train set.

Overall, the party went great. I was way too stressed and there were some kids that ruined some of my centerpieces so that just pissed me off. Seriously, these kids were acting like wild animals and their Mom was just sitting on her ass watching them. Apparantely they took juice boxes and kept squirting them at eachother, they took the lollypops off like 4 centerpieces and would just end up throwing them out. I was so pissed. And that lady showed up with a kid that I had not invited and she got mad when I didn't have a goody bag for him, sorry lady, it's called RSVPing! Otherwise, I guess it was good. I knew I was bound to get sentimental so when I burst into tears right before cutting the cake I knew that was expected since I really wished my husband was home. Thankfully, Adrienne was there to make me feel better.

It was a good party, nice to have some people that trully care about our family around us. And while I spent way too much money on his party and some things didn't go the way I had planned, the only way it could've been better would have been to have my husband home. Otherwise, it was great!

I just realized...

Last year right around this time we were heading to the hospital. Little did we know that we would be sent back home since they said that I "wasn't in labor"....ha! I know that it might not have been the strong-off -the-chart contractions I would be having later but I was in labor. 

Anyway,

just had to share!

Tomorrow is the day...

Finally, after months and months of planning, his birthday party is here...well a few hours away but still, it's right around the corner. My house is full of presents and boxes filled with party supplies. I swear, I'm making myself sick to my stomach just thinking about tomorrow and Iknow that I just need to chill out and enjoy the party no matter what happens. I guess I am really just nervous and sad and excited and stressed! I wish my husband was home. I think that's the bottom line, I dont want to feel sad and get all depressed because he's not going to be with us on this special day that we were looking forward to so much and I'm trying to keep myself busy in order to avoid those feelings. I know that Gabriel isn't going to remember the party but I guess deep down, I just want it to be a happy day, make it seem like I'm not hurting on the inside to not have my husband home. 

I shouldn't be feeling this way, mostly it's the stress and exhaustion talking and I should be in bed since I have to be up early and have a busy, busy day ahead. 

Is it Monday yet?

I want this party to be DONE with! I know it's going to be good but really, I'm tired! I'm stressing about everyting to do with the party! I want to be able to relax and not worry about having to finish the goody bags and just sit down and play with my munchkin. People aren't RSVP'ing, I have to finish the goody bags, pick up the cake, get some coffee, be there in time to decorate everything and I just feel like some of my stress would be eased if my husband were home...At least he would be here to help me with some of it, I know I would still be stressed regardless but still...

So big!

Today we had our WIC appointment and Gabriel got measured and weighed. And the numbers are in....*drumroll please*27 lbs 8 oz (with clothes and diapers)

and 32 in

I don't really trust the WIC people since last time the numbers were way off. The weighed him at 26 lbs and when we went to the doctors he was 25 lbs and like 10 oz. But I suppose it's nice to have an "estimate" of his weight.

We also had a playdate with my friend Adrienne and her little munchkin Brandon. They are interacting so much more now and its so cute to watch them play and "talk" to eachother. They are too stinkin cute!

"You're still doing it?"

Throughout my almost 21 years of life I have learned a very important lesson in life- people are morons. I know, I know, I shouldn't generalize but if you think that people are morons, when you lower your expectations of them and aren't surprised when they say or do something stupid and ignorant. Everyday I deal with hundreds, ok, maybe not hundreds but close enough, of people at work. I'm not going to say that everyone is dumb but maybe it's just the customers that come into our store, but I swear, everyday I have to listen to people make some dumb comment to me. Today's dumb comment took the cake though.  I was at work today and a customer came in and ordered her drink. She asked me how I was doing and I confessed to her that I was scared that Gabriel's birthday party next 

week would be rained out. She started trying to reassure me that it would stop, that it was supposed to be sunny all weekend and then proceeded to asking me how the first year had gone for me. I started gushing, telling her how it went too fast, that I remember the first nights at home as if they were yesterday. I remember not wanting to sleep because I just wanted to watch him sleep. I told her how every moment was amazing, even the sleepless nights and breastfeeding struggles. She interrupted me and asked me when I gave up on breastfeeding. I told her how we were still breastfeeding and she gasped and almost hit her jaw on the floor. "You're still doing it?" she sneered "he's almost one!". 

I told her how it was my goal to go to one and I worked really hard to accomplish it. "Well, you know he's not getting the nutrients he needs. You should have supplemented with formula so he could get all the vitamins he needs. Now he's probably malnourished." she stated. Now I almost hit my jaw on the floor, who the hell does she think she is to tell me this? My kid? Malnourished? I told her that he was anything but malnourished since at his 9 month appointment he weighed 26 lbs and is right on track developmentally. I don't intend on bashing any formula feeders, but my choice was to breastfeed. 

As I stated earlier, it hasn't always been easy. I could have given him formula if I wanted to. I hate pumping at work, I have to pump in a bathroom where people are always pulling on the door and pounding when I don't come out. It's annoying, and I hate it but I do it because I want to breastfeed. When my supply was low I'd feel like the world was going to end because the thought of having to hang up my udders was horrible! Teething sucks, he would bite and grind at my nipple and I would cringe but I never thought of giving up because of this. 

My freezer was stashed with little lansinoh bags of frozen breastmilk, we couldn't buy frozen foods because nothing fit in the freezer. Everytime I would open the freezer I would want to pat myself on the back because I managed to get such a huge stash of frozen milk. At one point I calculated about 300 oz! 

So for this bitch to come up to me and give me crap for still breastfeeding just drove me up the wall. I hate unwanted advice and input on the way I am raising my son. I plan on going to 18 months, I'm not sure if we'll make it but I am not going to stop breastfeeding because other people aren't happy with my choice to do so. 

All Gave some, Some Gave All

Remember 9/11/2001 and those that lost their lives on that day!

God Bless 

America!

Old Macdonald Had a Farm...

Lately, this has become Gabriel's favorite song! He cracks up whenever he hears it. His favorite part is when I say "Old Macdonald had a cow" and start mooing. He tries to moo too! And when he watches his Baby Macdonald video and the cow comes on the screen he starts to screech and points at the cow and tries to moo at it! It cracks me up how much he likes the darn cow! I hope it's not because he sees some resemblance with me and the animal!

Almost there...

I looked at the calendar and realized how close it is to my son's first birthday, eleven days from today he will be 1 year old. Time sure has flown by this year. Gabriel's godfather had his baby girl yesterday and it really made me think of when Gabriel was born. I still remember how happy I was  to see him for the first time and how I had never experienced "love at first sight" until I laid eyes on my baby boy. I was remembering the car ride to the hospital and how we saw a ton of Volkswagen Beetles on the way there, and since the husband and I always punch each other when we see them, thinking how if he dared to even mention the bug I would slam his head against the window. I remember everyone telling me that my contractions were really strong and very close together and that he would be born before the end of the day but I wasn't dilating and didn't have him until the next day. Although it was painful, the pain seemed to dissipate as soon as I saw him. Now, to see him crawling around, attempting to walk, being a goofball and just acting more like the toddler he is becoming, is amazing. God could not have blessed  me with a better son than Gabriel. He is my whole life now and it makes me so sad to realize that he's no longer a baby. We're almost at the toddler years!

Delete

I started venting about something that I shouldn't post on here, typed this whole novel, it seemed, and then deleted it. I got my anger and thoughts out. But no need to post our dirty laundry on the lawn for the neighbors to see. All in all, I feel better now.

Throwback time!

Today while I was doing my makeup to get ready for the day, my sister came into my room and sat on my bed. Since my ipod was plugged into my laptop and was on shuffle, songs from about two years ago came on and I told my sister how I hadn't heard this one song in a long time. The song reminded me of two summers ago, and I started thinking back to how different my life was back then. Two summers ago I was with my Hubby, then boyfriend, and we spent our days off driving around in the TC, we would head over to Half Moon Bay just for the heck of getting out of the area. Sometimes it would be 9 pm and we would decide to go for a little drive. We would walk along the beach and just sit on the huge rocks with the moon over our heads illuminating the crashing waves. We would go out to eat all the time, thinking back to how much money we spent on those meals gives me chills! We had no responsibility, no diapers to buy, no one to look after or really care about other than ourselves. It sounds horrible when I say that but what I mean is how now we have a reason to save our money, to drive carefully, to live for.  Before we would go out and drink, party and just have fun. Now, I was never the hard-core party girl but we definitely had some good times! House parties, hotel parties, just sitting in my mom's backyard with his cousins and friends while we listened to good music and sipped some drinks and ate pizza. They were good times. Looking back, it seems as if those summer nights and party days were a long, long time ago. 

I have changed. He has changed. While I am not saying I will give up a glass of wine or a few drinks forever and never ever go out and have fun, I just don't feel the need to do it anymore. I have fun sitting at home with my son, playing peek-a-boo and chasing after him. 

I don't really know what the latest chart toppers or club hits are, the songs I know now are all along the lines of singing "Old Macdonald" to my kid to see him giggle and laugh uncontrollably. 

I feel like I'm such an old person sometimes, I realize how much my life has changed and how much better it is now that I actually have something meaningful in my life. I don't think that even in those days I was a complete irresponsible girl. I knew that I wanted to someday have a family, I knew that he would be the man I would marry and I knew that if I were to get pregnant we would be able to support our child and act like the adults we are now. It's not that I think that I am better than those young mom's out there, I know I am not the best but I do strive to give my son everything I can and make sure he is getting everything he needs, not only physically but emotionally and developmentally. I do realize I am turning 21 in one month from tomorrow, and I do remember how I had planned a trip to vegas for my big 2-1 but things change. People change. Priorities change. I know I'm not going to deprive myself of having a life, which is what people say I am doing, but my son is my life now. And while I do see friends of mine celebrating their 21st birthdays, going out for drinks and acting, well, like a young person,  and I do admit, I do find myself living vicariously though them but, I don't want to be them. I have never been so fulfilled in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing out because I have something worth more than a bottle of Captain Morgan or a shot of Patron, I have a beautiful son who with one smile gives me more of a buzz and a high than any drug or type of alcohol. 

Yes, those days were fun, but the ones to come will be a billion times better!

Inconsiderate people

I understand that people want their coffee, and I don't blame them for that, after all caffeine is a drug and therefore,as a barista,  I am a legal drug dealer. What really makes my blood boil is how inconsiderate some people can be! Today we had this one guy, a real estate agent I suppose, show up with two homebuyers to go over paper work. I had mopped the floors and the chairs were on the table so the floors could dry. Well the guy asked us if they could sit down, ok, that's fine, we still have twenty minutes til closing time. My co-worker and I were going about our closing duties just fine, and at seven thirty we announce that it's closing time. They guy says "oh but can you give us five minutes? We are almost done." 

I know one of Starbucks motto's or whatever is to be welcoming, well, how on earth can I be welcoming when I've been at work for eight hours and just want to get the hell out of there? Ok, breathe, five minutes isn't that bad. Fifteen minutes pass and they are still there. Really? You think I don't have a home and family to go to? Really? Are you that selfish? WHAT are you going to give to US for sealing the deal on the house? How inconsiderate are you that you don't understand that we want to go home too. Just because Starbucks makes us plaster a smile on our face and be "welcoming" doesn't mean that we aren't cursing your name and wanting to kick you in the face for not leaving. We are tired, we smell, we just want to go home. We could've gone home earlier but they didn't leave until we kicked them out for the third time, 25 minutes after they originally said they would leave. 

Just some common courtesy people, always check what time places close before you walk in somewhere, especially when it looks like the place is about to close. We may act like synchronized robots in green aprons but we have a life too!  

And Again...

No afternoon nap...again. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.  I need a nap and he does too. He's this big fussy, bawling mess when he skips on it but as much as I tried, he wouldn't go down for one again. I'm turning into zombie mom. I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago after washing my face and scared myself. I have never seen such horrible under-eye circles on myself! I could never go out in public looking as I do now! People would mistake me for one of the undead! 

I'm hoping his little trend stops soon, for his sake and mine!

So tired...

Why is it that when I really need to take a nap he refuses to go to sleep? This afternoon he flat out refused to sleep and I know he was exhausted. I hate that he fights sleep, he's such a stubborn kid. I guess I shouldn't complain because he's been doing great at night, he goes down usually without much of a fuss but naptime? Oh boy. That is a whole different story. 

When you have to be up way before the butt crack of dawn, you need to sleep. Some people go to sleep early, others take naps. I'm more of a nap-taker but today we both skipped on it. I had so much to do but I was trying to sleep over his whining and crying to no avail. 

See, that is one thing that I do miss about pre-motherhood days. Sleep. It's not about the partying or any of that, it's my uniterrupted sleep. When he was a newborn I was able to nap, no problem, but now, he's a big stubborn kiddo who decides when Mommy can or can't take a nap. It's not that I would return my gift of motherhood for sleep, it's just that at times when I'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep and he refuses to go down at least for half an hour, I turn into a big dragon lady...

This always happens...

I have to start venting and complaining again,it seems like that is all I do lately on here. I want another kiddo. I know it's impossible, considering the husband is gone, but I wish that somehow I could somehow get a BFP. Again, impossible, but I see all these pregnant woman and I seriously envy them. The girls on my WTE board are all asking each other when they are trying to conceive again and some have been getting their BFPs already. It would be unfair if Hubby had left me knocked up because he'd miss out on the whole pregnancy, maybe even the birth too. So I know it's not good timing regardless of what I want. It's not going to happen and I just have to get that in my head...Blah!

Still...all those little cute pink bows and dresses...and little socks and shoes! Aww I miss those good 'ol newborn days! I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Gabriel is growing up and I don't want to let that stage go...

Is it May yet?

I miss my husband so much. I hate whining about it and I try not to think of the time he will be gone and how much he will be missing out on but I just have my days that I wish that I could fast forward time and have him back with us. It sucks that when I'm having a hard day I cant reach over for a hug and that he's missing out on all the holidays with us and everything. I should really quit my venting, I know I'm not the first and only woman who is going through this. Sometimes May seems not too far away, other times it seems like an eternity.