Goodbye oh-nine!

I am sitting here, fifteen minutes shy of 2010 and I started thinking about everything that has happened this past year. It has been amazing, last year around this time I didn't even imagine that I would have gone through everything I did this year. I never imagined that I would get married this year, that we would be going through a deployment, that I would be able to do this all on my own. It hasn't been easy, but I know 2010 will bring so many blessings and I am so excited for the year to begin. Only a few more months and my dear husband will be home, they are talking about an early return possibly around February or March, so you can imagine my excitement. After he gets home we're going to move out, we're planning a Vegas trip, and a bunch of other things. I look forward to watching my son grow up, he's already growing up so fast and I can't wait for us to go through it as a family, celebrating every holiday together and starting our own traditions.

2009, you have been good to me, but I am very ready for 2010!

Forgive me for I have sinned

Ok, so maybe "sinned" isn't the word I should be using but lately I just haven't been blogging much. It's not that I don't have time, I just don't use it wisely. Between laundry, making my Christmas cards, Christmas shopping, chasing after Gabriel, working, watching TV, wasting my time on Facebook I just haven't sat down to catch up on either of my two blogs. Gabriel's Dear Daddy Blog is so behind, like a week and a half or so! I am a horrible wife, I set up that blog so my husband could check in on what Gabriel is up to on a daily basis and although I would ocassionaly miss a day, I would make up for it the next day. Now I can't seem to catch up! I should take advantage of my insomnia that I have been having lately and blog, instead of just tossing and turning for hours or doing nothing. I guess this is a step, me updating this blog. But still...I need to get caught up and fast!

It's not that I don't want to blog, I just end up doing something else, reading other peoples blogs instead of focusing, and when ever Gabriel sees me with the laptop he insists on me playing Mickey's Clubhouse songs on YouTube until I've pretty much had enough of listening to the "Hot Dog Dance" song fifteen times in a row that I put the computer away before I pull my hair out.

As far as updates:

Gabriel is running, climbing, "talking" (he says a few words, everything else sounds like Chinese) and is now off the boob. I thought weaning would be harder but I think we were both just ready. He was refusing whole milk in his sippy (he would drink about an ounce, if that) , so dumb me gave him a bottle. The kid who NEVER wanted a bottle is now all for his "ba-ba". He doesn't walk around with the bottle 24/7 nor does he get milk whenever he wants, strictly for before naps, and night time. He's still not sleeping through the night, I'm thinking CIO might have to be our only option. He does, however, go down for bed (and naps too) easily so I am very thankful for that. We have him on a pretty set schedule and I am also thankful for that since it makes life a little less crazy when we know when to expect a nap and bedtime. I think he grew a ton this past month, we'll have to see at his 15 month appointment where he is on the charts.

The little man is very into anything that has to do with Christmas. He especially loves nutcrackers, or "nuh-caa-caas" as he calls them. I was terrified to death that I would have to be dealing with him trying to grab every decoration, throwing the ornaments thinking that they were balls, ripping the presents, and knocking over the tree.

I am happy to report that the tree still stands, and looks exactly as it did the first day with set it up. He loves looking at the tree and the decorations but he understands that it's a no touch zone.We also went and saw Santa and he loved him.

I was quiet relived to know that my kid wasn't the one screaming bloody murder as we placed him on Santa's lap. He was actually smiling and was happy, and ran over to Santa. I think he was eager to tell him what he would like this Christmas, here he is telling him that he wants Daddy to come home soon.

Thankfully, I am DONE with Christmas shopping, I might have gone overboard this year with presents for Gabriel (and my sister!) but Christmas is my favorite holiday and I am the type of person who loves to give gifts. I am very excited to see everyone's reactions to the gifts I bought for them, especially Gabriel's reaction when he tears the wrapping paper and finds some new toys, I mean, it's not like he has enough toys as it is for crying out loud! While this Christmas will not be the best one, since my husband won't be with us, I tried to make it a good one for everyone. Last week we sent out the husband's Christmas package and I cant wait for him to open it, I'm sure he will love what we got him (I wish I could say what we got but I'm sure knowing my luck, he will snoop around on this page and discover what I got for him and it will ruin his Christmas surprise) so I will post what I got for him after Christmas Day.

I am doing good, still working a ton, getting annoyed at the job but I am thankful that I have a job and that despite the fact that it isn't my dream job I am making decent money and we have food to eat and a place to sleep. Life at home...it's stressful at times. The family gets on my case about things and there are days when I feel like I just can't take it. I wish I could just leave sometimes and get our own place now but I can't just do that. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom to death but I don't love the nagging and comments that make me feel like a shitty mother or daughter, by this point, all I can say is that I know that me moving out will have an awesome impact on our relationship because we won't be butting heads every five seconds.

My sleeping habits suck, I feel so tired but just can't fall asleep. I really do not want to use sleeping pills, I have had to in the past and I quite honestly HATE them with a passion. Last night I was up until 3:15 and I had to wake up at 8. By ten I am ready for a nap but seldom am I able to nap. There is always something to do so I try to put off my nap in hopes that I will be tired enough for bed at 9. Never happens. I need to find something to make me fall asleep or just push myself to go to bed at an earlier time because going off three to four hours of sleep is ridiculous!

On a happier note, this deployment might be over earlier than expected! We got news of a possible March homecoming! I am very excited, to say the least, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I need to get back on my diet and exercise routine so I can look somewhat decent when my husband gets home. When I got sick about a month ago, I stopped exercising and then stopped eating healthy.

Tomorrow will be the day, I need to start getting back into the swing of things. That includes blogging (at least on the Dear Daddy blog) every day so I don't' fall behind again, eating and exercising better and going to sleep at a decent time. I'm sure I'm reaching for the stars here, considering how much of a slacker-insomniac I have become but I need my will power to kick in again!

NEVER say this to a military spouse...EVER

Dealing with deployments is not easy. We are separated from each other for months, we have to try and go on with life, take care of our children, celebrate holidays, spend anniversaries away from each other, watch couples walk by holding hands, hear people complain about their husbands, go days, weeks, or even longer without hearing from our significant others and try to not completely break down every second of the day. We live in fear that they may not come home, realize that while we're eating a nice juicy steak, they are eating crap food. So when someone chimes in, offers their opinions and tries to console us with their comparisons of their civilian marriages, we're trying our hardest to not slap some sense into them. Don't get me wrong, I understand that you're trying to make me feel better, but just as I believe that there should be a list of things to never say to a pregnant woman, there are things that should never be said to a military wife, especially while her husband is deployed.

This is my second deployment, our first deployment was extremely difficult, we had just started dating, we both didn't know what to expect. It was a test for our love, a test we managed to deal with and honestly, it proved to us how much we truly love each other. I always heard stupid comments from teachers, "friends", family members, co workers, random people in general. This time around, I am a wife, not a girlfriend, I am a mother now too. I knew what to expect, periods of time where I wont be able to hear from him, feeling so alone even though I have family and friends around me, the pang of jealousy when I would see a couple together, a family. And, while I would love to say that it's easier this time around, it's not. While I would love to say that I don't have to deal with stupid comments, I feel like they have gotten 

even worse this time around. So here I am, sharing what I think should be considered almost illegal to say to me, or any other wife, who is dealing with deployment.

I don't know how you do it. I could never deal.

Um, do what? Wait for him? It's called marriage. It's a commitment that you make for life. If he was an astronaut I'd wait. If he had to serve a year in the peace corps I would wait. If for some reason he had to go to jail, I would wait. What? You wouldn't wait for you husband?I stand by his side because I love him, I am strong and am awaiting his return anxiously. I miss him terribly and sometimes I feel like I can't go on. But I just have to go on. Are you honestly expecting me to lock myself in my room for the whole deployment? I have a child, my life has to go on, I have other obligations and it's not fair for my son to not have his father and mother. While you may think this sounds a compliment, it's not something I like to hear.

Well, he knew what he was signing up for when he joined. Or even worse, You knew what you were getting into when you got married to him (or started dating him)

How the hell is that supposed to make me feel better? It's called love, you don't not marry someone because they are in the military. If you love that person you stand by them no matter what choice they make or made. In my husband's case, he joined pretty much right out of high school, it was something he wanted to do, he did everything he could to join. He chose his life, and I chose to be with him. Yes, when we met I knew he was to deploy soon, he left just months after we met, but I couldn't stop my heart from loving him. I wasn't going to put our love on hold because he was in the Marines. He admits, he was naive, he has confessed that he can't wait to get out of the Marines. Does he regret it? No, he liked it, but he's done with it, we have a family now, he doesn't want to miss out on our son growing up. We want to start living our lives, without the Military. Did we expect to get pregnant and have him leave and miss out on Gabriel's milestones? No. Things don't always go as planned. We "planned" to wait until after his contract was done to start a family, things didn't work out that way.

Don't you miss him?

This has got to be the dumbest question I have ever heard. I don't think I need to get into this. Just know that the answer is yes. Every freakin second of the day. Every time Gabriel does something cute or new I feel a hole in my stomach and feel like he's missing out on so much. As I'm buying Christmas things or eating his favorite meal I think of him and feel like I need him by my side. If a song like "Come Home Soon", "Far away", "Home" or "When You're Gone" comes on, I choke up and before I know it tears are streaming down my face. When I glance at a picture of us I wish I could reach in and hug him. I sleep in his shirts and sleep on his pillow, my heart skips a beat when I think of his homecoming. If you still doubt me missing him, please look at my expression when you ask me this question, I'm sure you'll see something in my eyes that will speak louder than my words.

I know what you feel, my boyfriend/fiance/husband vent on vacation/a business trip for a week and I felt like I was going insane.

How dare you compare a week long trip to a year long deployment? Do you seriously thing this little tidbit makes me feel better? I'm sure your significant other got to sleep in a nice comfy bed, eat tasty food, take nice long hot showers, sleep at somewhat regular hours, oh and, they aren't risking their lives!!!!! Mine is, he has long days, short nights, sleeps in a sleeping bag, can't reach over and call me on the phone whenever he feels like it and is gone for much longer than yours is. Please don't ever say this again, it makes me wanna punch you.

Where is he located exactly?

Why the hell does it matter. I doubt you know Iraqi geography so when I say "Iraq" don't try to get all nosey. 

Has he killed anyone? Doesn't it scare you that you're married to a killer?

First off, that is none of your business. Second, I am not married to a killer. My husband is trained to kill to defend our country, and please know that not every Military Man (or woman) has to go on a killing spree, really, there are different types of jobs in the military, and they don't give you a killing quota, some people never even have to fire their rifles.

He gets to come ho

me for the holidays though right?

He can't pick and choose when he comes back. He will miss out on things, part of the reason why we're sad. Some Daddies miss the births of their children, they miss anniversaries, Christmases, even funerals of parents or other loved ones. 

At least he'll be here next year! (when you inform them that they are going to miss out on a holiday or special event)

Regardless of them being able to be home for every Christmas after that, it's still hard. And your comment isn't easing the pain. We want them home now and it's not just hard on us, it's hard on them too.

At least you don't have to deal with your husband hogging the bed/snoring/taking over the tv remote/leaving clothes all over the place/etc...

I wouldn't care if he was here, snoring away, watching ESPN all day long while I wanted to watch Desperate Housewives. He would be home and that' all that matters. Appreciate your husband, and if you don't, please don't complain to us that he's taking up the bed, my bed is so empty and lonely. Stop complaining about him, hug him, kiss him, cuddle up to him, fight over the remote and tell him you love him, you have no idea how lucky you are to have the opportunity to do so. 

You only have a few more months to go, time flies, he'll be home in no time!

Check your calendar. It's November, he comes home in May. That is not "a few" more months. I don't like to think of how many months are left, it's still gonna seem so far away. The last few weeks/months are the hardest, you feel like time isn't passing fast enough

Don't you miss sex? Man, I would not be able to go for almost a year of not having sex!

Um, no of course not, I don't miss sex. I'm actually a robot so I don't have those kind of needs. Seriously? Of course I miss it but us Military Wives quickly learn that our relationships have more important aspects than sex. We learn to appreciate the important things in a relationship: seeing their faces, holding his hand, having dinner every night and being able to talk about our days. 

At least your son is young, he doesn't know that his Dad is gone, he wont even remember it.

The fact that my son is only 1 year old doesn't mean that he doesnt miss his Daddy. He might not understand why Daddy is away, but he's know that Daddy loves him, that he's not here right now and that being able to see Daddy on the webcam or hear his voice over the phone is a treat. He sees a picture and points to it saying "Papá", kisses the picture and looks around for him. Maybe years from now, Gabriel won't remember his Daddy went away for a year but he does know Daddy isn't home.

I know just how you feel.

NO, you don't know how I feel. Unless you have gone through this yourself or are going through it now you really don't know how I feel. You can't feel that emptiness inside of you or the joy of a five mintue phone call. You don't toss and turn in your bed, surrounded by a bunch of pillows and still can't sleep because your bed feels empty.So please, stop trying to make me feel better.

Party Time! Husband is away, lets have a night out on the town, lets go to a club etc...

No. I am not single. And he deserves as much respect as if he were here, so I am not going to some club or some bar where some drunken random dudes will be hitting on me.

I know how you feel, I was (or "my mom/sister/friend/cousin/etc") was a single mom.

Again, I am not single. Right now I have to take on the role of Mother and Father maybe, but I am not a single mother. A single mother doesn't have to worry about her husband being in danger.

I understand, I watch Army Wives!

It's a TV show, this is real. Please don't think you know my life because you see "military spousal life" on this show. Again, it's a show. A scripted show written to appeal to viewers and profit from the ratings. 

From what I heard, you get really good money from deployments!

No amount of money is worth something happening to my husband. I'd rather be poor and have him home any day.

You need to cheer up! He'll be home soon and moping around isn't going to make him come home faster!

I am trying soooo hard to be strong. Everyone falls every once in awhile. I have days that I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to cry and I don't feel like "dolling" myself up for no one. You making it seem like thats all I am doing is stupid. Go away if yo don't want to deal with my "depressive" self

The _______(president, war, military, etc) is stupid. Don't you hate them for making him get deployed?

I am not involving my political views. And I would appreciate it if you spared me with yours. I hate deployment. Period. Doesn't mean I hate the President or the Military.

I'm glad I'm not in your shoes!

Gee thanks.

Honestly, I just wish some people would think before they speak, it's so annoying to deal with dumb comments. Half the time I just let it slide off, brush it off my shoulders and keep on going with my life, but I just thought some people should be aware of what they say to us Military wives. We are proud of our guys out there, we miss them to death and are awaiting their homecoming, we are strong and stand by them and we can't let any one get us down.

Houston, we have a walker!

Today Gabriel started officially walking! I was sitting in the kitchen talking to my friend and he was standing next to the fridge when all of a sudden, he takes about 15 steps to his toy bin and picks out a book and sits down. He looked at me like I was crazy when I started clapping and saying "Yay Gabriel!" 

It's bitter sweet, I realize that he's growing up so quick and I know that soon he wont be falling every 10 steps and he won't need my help anymore. It's sad, and I wish I could pause time and enjoy my baby boy more before he's not baby any longer. 

In that brief moment that I watched him take those steps I not only got nostalgic because he's growing up, but I started thinking about how my husband is missing all these first moments and how he will feel to know he has missed so much. I am thankful for what he does, however, I can't help but wish that he would have been here with me to see it. I did manage to catch some of his first steps on video, but I know that is not the same. We will never have this all over again, we want more children, but it wont ever be a set of first first steps. Never again will we have a first first birthday or any other first first moment. 

I know that I can't be such a downer but this deployment seems so much harder than our first one. I am looking at the calender and have realized that we have only  a few days left til Thanksgiving and a few weeks left til Christmas and I am not overjoyed like other years. I am actually dreading it. I know that come those days, I will be a blubbering mess. In the years we have been together we have never not been together during the holidays.

So, while this is a happy moment, I wish my husband was here to see our little booger butt toddling around the house.

30 day shred

I haven't updated this blog in a long time but I finally made a commitment and decided to start working out and eating better. It dawned on me one day, I had a slice of cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner when I realized that my husband is going to come home to a big fat lard ball. I don't eat a whole lot of burgers, fries, potato chips or that kind of junk. My big weaknesses are desserts. But I have decided to put an end to my unnessasary munching and start working out. I have a gym membership but I don't have the time to go, that has been my excuse to not work out. A whole bunch of Mommies on the WTE September 08 board started doing the Jillian Micheals 30 Day Shred and I had heard that some of them got wonderful results. 

Today was day one of the shred. Boy-oh-boy was that a workout! I kept wanting to quit and go eat some cake or something but I stuck through it. After the workout I felt like my body had turned into Jello but honestly, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I know that tomorrow I will want to avoid the workout but I need to stick through it. Once I start seeing results I know I will feel even more motivated. But now, I'm complaining how tired I am and how I want something to eat...

I know I shouldn't but,

I can't help but feel sad and even envious when I find out that someone is pregnant or has just had a baby. Not envious in the sense that I wish something would happen to the person or the baby, never the bad kind of jealousy, I just wish it was me. While I'm congratulating the Mother-to-be or holding the new baby I am trying to choke back the tears. I don't know why it hurts me so badly, maybe it's the fact that I know I can't have another baby now and that my husband doesn't want another one right now. Maybe it's the fact that I wish I was the one giving the news about my BFP or cradling my new baby but I shouldn't feel that way. I am happy for the friends and family who are adding another member to their family, but I wish I was too. 

The NOT so Itsy Bitsy Spider

I don't have irrational phobias over insects or anything really. Prior to becoming a mom, I would see a spider and would squish it or just relocate it outside. Now I see one and I freak out, not because I am scared of them, I get scared that it will bite Gabriel. I have a fear of anything hurting my son, guess that's motherhood for you though. So instead of putting the spiders outside like back in the day, I squish it and make sure they are good and dead before anything can harm him.

Well today, my sister has like 10 girls over to celebrate her birthday and since the house was getting hot, I opened the door to the patio and sat in the kitchen. Well, the door had been open for about an hour or so, and while I was sitting here, trying to update the Daddy Blog, out of the corner of my eye I see something greyish black crawling across the kitchen floor. I focus on the moving object and see a humongous spider. Never in my life had I seen such a big and fat spider. Just thinking about it gives me chills. I jumped up and ran to find a shoe, snatched it from my sister's foot and ran to look for the spider and I couldn't see it! I can't even explain how much I freaked out when I couldn't find it! I found it and smashed it. All of my sister's friends looked at me like I was crazy and overreacting until I called one of them over to see it. She said it looked like a baby tarantula and we couldn't get over how big it was. We think it crawled in from outside but just the thought that there could be more make me freak out so much. I never want to see a spider like that again. Had I not been here and seen it,  it could've crawled behind a piece of furniture and bitten Gabriel tomorrow. The thought of that disgustingly huge spider crawling on my son mortifies me. I'm so glad that the spider is not here to torment us any longer.