Delete

I started venting about something that I shouldn't post on here, typed this whole novel, it seemed, and then deleted it. I got my anger and thoughts out. But no need to post our dirty laundry on the lawn for the neighbors to see. All in all, I feel better now.

Throwback time!

Today while I was doing my makeup to get ready for the day, my sister came into my room and sat on my bed. Since my ipod was plugged into my laptop and was on shuffle, songs from about two years ago came on and I told my sister how I hadn't heard this one song in a long time. The song reminded me of two summers ago, and I started thinking back to how different my life was back then. Two summers ago I was with my Hubby, then boyfriend, and we spent our days off driving around in the TC, we would head over to Half Moon Bay just for the heck of getting out of the area. Sometimes it would be 9 pm and we would decide to go for a little drive. We would walk along the beach and just sit on the huge rocks with the moon over our heads illuminating the crashing waves. We would go out to eat all the time, thinking back to how much money we spent on those meals gives me chills! We had no responsibility, no diapers to buy, no one to look after or really care about other than ourselves. It sounds horrible when I say that but what I mean is how now we have a reason to save our money, to drive carefully, to live for.  Before we would go out and drink, party and just have fun. Now, I was never the hard-core party girl but we definitely had some good times! House parties, hotel parties, just sitting in my mom's backyard with his cousins and friends while we listened to good music and sipped some drinks and ate pizza. They were good times. Looking back, it seems as if those summer nights and party days were a long, long time ago. 

I have changed. He has changed. While I am not saying I will give up a glass of wine or a few drinks forever and never ever go out and have fun, I just don't feel the need to do it anymore. I have fun sitting at home with my son, playing peek-a-boo and chasing after him. 

I don't really know what the latest chart toppers or club hits are, the songs I know now are all along the lines of singing "Old Macdonald" to my kid to see him giggle and laugh uncontrollably. 

I feel like I'm such an old person sometimes, I realize how much my life has changed and how much better it is now that I actually have something meaningful in my life. I don't think that even in those days I was a complete irresponsible girl. I knew that I wanted to someday have a family, I knew that he would be the man I would marry and I knew that if I were to get pregnant we would be able to support our child and act like the adults we are now. It's not that I think that I am better than those young mom's out there, I know I am not the best but I do strive to give my son everything I can and make sure he is getting everything he needs, not only physically but emotionally and developmentally. I do realize I am turning 21 in one month from tomorrow, and I do remember how I had planned a trip to vegas for my big 2-1 but things change. People change. Priorities change. I know I'm not going to deprive myself of having a life, which is what people say I am doing, but my son is my life now. And while I do see friends of mine celebrating their 21st birthdays, going out for drinks and acting, well, like a young person,  and I do admit, I do find myself living vicariously though them but, I don't want to be them. I have never been so fulfilled in my life, I don't feel like I'm missing out because I have something worth more than a bottle of Captain Morgan or a shot of Patron, I have a beautiful son who with one smile gives me more of a buzz and a high than any drug or type of alcohol. 

Yes, those days were fun, but the ones to come will be a billion times better!

Inconsiderate people

I understand that people want their coffee, and I don't blame them for that, after all caffeine is a drug and therefore,as a barista,  I am a legal drug dealer. What really makes my blood boil is how inconsiderate some people can be! Today we had this one guy, a real estate agent I suppose, show up with two homebuyers to go over paper work. I had mopped the floors and the chairs were on the table so the floors could dry. Well the guy asked us if they could sit down, ok, that's fine, we still have twenty minutes til closing time. My co-worker and I were going about our closing duties just fine, and at seven thirty we announce that it's closing time. They guy says "oh but can you give us five minutes? We are almost done." 

I know one of Starbucks motto's or whatever is to be welcoming, well, how on earth can I be welcoming when I've been at work for eight hours and just want to get the hell out of there? Ok, breathe, five minutes isn't that bad. Fifteen minutes pass and they are still there. Really? You think I don't have a home and family to go to? Really? Are you that selfish? WHAT are you going to give to US for sealing the deal on the house? How inconsiderate are you that you don't understand that we want to go home too. Just because Starbucks makes us plaster a smile on our face and be "welcoming" doesn't mean that we aren't cursing your name and wanting to kick you in the face for not leaving. We are tired, we smell, we just want to go home. We could've gone home earlier but they didn't leave until we kicked them out for the third time, 25 minutes after they originally said they would leave. 

Just some common courtesy people, always check what time places close before you walk in somewhere, especially when it looks like the place is about to close. We may act like synchronized robots in green aprons but we have a life too!  

And Again...

No afternoon nap...again. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.  I need a nap and he does too. He's this big fussy, bawling mess when he skips on it but as much as I tried, he wouldn't go down for one again. I'm turning into zombie mom. I looked in the mirror a few minutes ago after washing my face and scared myself. I have never seen such horrible under-eye circles on myself! I could never go out in public looking as I do now! People would mistake me for one of the undead! 

I'm hoping his little trend stops soon, for his sake and mine!

So tired...

Why is it that when I really need to take a nap he refuses to go to sleep? This afternoon he flat out refused to sleep and I know he was exhausted. I hate that he fights sleep, he's such a stubborn kid. I guess I shouldn't complain because he's been doing great at night, he goes down usually without much of a fuss but naptime? Oh boy. That is a whole different story. 

When you have to be up way before the butt crack of dawn, you need to sleep. Some people go to sleep early, others take naps. I'm more of a nap-taker but today we both skipped on it. I had so much to do but I was trying to sleep over his whining and crying to no avail. 

See, that is one thing that I do miss about pre-motherhood days. Sleep. It's not about the partying or any of that, it's my uniterrupted sleep. When he was a newborn I was able to nap, no problem, but now, he's a big stubborn kiddo who decides when Mommy can or can't take a nap. It's not that I would return my gift of motherhood for sleep, it's just that at times when I'm running on 3 or 4 hours of sleep and he refuses to go down at least for half an hour, I turn into a big dragon lady...

This always happens...

I have to start venting and complaining again,it seems like that is all I do lately on here. I want another kiddo. I know it's impossible, considering the husband is gone, but I wish that somehow I could somehow get a BFP. Again, impossible, but I see all these pregnant woman and I seriously envy them. The girls on my WTE board are all asking each other when they are trying to conceive again and some have been getting their BFPs already. It would be unfair if Hubby had left me knocked up because he'd miss out on the whole pregnancy, maybe even the birth too. So I know it's not good timing regardless of what I want. It's not going to happen and I just have to get that in my head...Blah!

Still...all those little cute pink bows and dresses...and little socks and shoes! Aww I miss those good 'ol newborn days! I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Gabriel is growing up and I don't want to let that stage go...

Is it May yet?

I miss my husband so much. I hate whining about it and I try not to think of the time he will be gone and how much he will be missing out on but I just have my days that I wish that I could fast forward time and have him back with us. It sucks that when I'm having a hard day I cant reach over for a hug and that he's missing out on all the holidays with us and everything. I should really quit my venting, I know I'm not the first and only woman who is going through this. Sometimes May seems not too far away, other times it seems like an eternity.